A client who frequently loses focus in her own life when she notices that someone else is in pain or difficulty asked me if I could help her get to the state described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in the following quote.
“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.”
This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life.
She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself.
In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action.
My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.
These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.
Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing
- What do I think would be helpful?
- What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
- Do I have the resources to provide this help?
- What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
- How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
- What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
- Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
- Has the other person asked for help?
If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!
- Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
- Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
- Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Difficult Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Transactional Analysis
Mark your calendar now. I will be interviewed about relationships on Barbara Dixon’s Blog Talk
Radio Spirit Speaks Show at 10 am ET, Monday, March 16th.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks
It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.
I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc
You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!
Warmly,
Laurie
PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.
PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Diana almost cried when I asked her. How are you going to spend the holidays?
Sitting together in the hot tub after our respective workouts at the Y, she explained that both her parents were in nursing homes, and that her mother-in-law and her daughter would be visiting.
“I desperately need help. When my husband asked how he could help I told him to clean. Wouldn’t you know it! He cleaned under the sink in the upstairs bathroom.”
I told Diana that he probably did want to help, but that many men think very differently than women. We don’t want to insult each other by giving complete directions. We assume that if you say clean, anyone else would notice what’s dirty and clean it. Obviously your husband is one of the men who do that — for a variety of reasons that frustrate and infuriate women. These men need specific instructions.
I gave her this advice: Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Remember the time you got one little piece of information that completely shifted how you felt about yourself or someone else. Remember the relief that came with the recognition that you were just like everybody else. It’s almost like affirming “Im really OK after all.”
I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.
I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.
All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.
The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.
Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.
If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?
Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.
So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.
The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.
The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.
The third reason is that I need your help.
One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.
After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.
My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.
But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.
I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.
When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.
Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)
So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.
Warmly, Laurie
P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, CoDependency Communication, Emotional Problems, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Workplace Relationships
What if I stopped?
If I stopped worrying about money nothing would actually change in reality.
If I stopped reading my Internet marketing e-mail, I would have more time to write.
If I stopped reading my Internet marketing e-mail, I would not be constantly stimulated with new ideas.
If I stopped correcting Jon for the mistakes he makes I would be building up a lot of anger and resentment. (The problem is he considers correction to be criticism. I should have enough skill to correct without criticizing. I need to do something about this.)
If I stopped correcting errors I would be inconvenienced a lot.
If I stopped being annoyed when I’m interrupted I would be more relaxed.
If I stopped doing recreational shopping for clothes I would miss the fun and stimulation. (I love finding great bargains, and I have a lot more than I actually need.)
If I stopped holding onto papers, I would lose triggers for important memories.
If I stopped loving the boys I wouldn’t be me.
If I stopped keeping old things I haven’t used in a long time, I would be scared.
If I stopped piling up books and magazines near my bed, I would have more space.
If I stopped trying to sell my work online, I would be very sad.
If I stopped just trying to do an Internet business, I might actually do a successful business.
If I stopped pretending I don’t care about being successful, I would do more systematic things.
If I stopped following my health regime, I wouldn’t have much energy.
If I stopped writing I would lose my fleeting thoughts and be unable to organize them.
If I stopped thinking about how things work and how to fix them I would be bored.
If I stop criticizing myself for what I don’t do, I would stop feeling guilty.
If I stopped worrying about spending so much money I would stop criticizing my own mistakes.
If I stopped worrying about getting the most value for my money I would need to find a different game to play and win. (I’m very good at this game.)
If I stopped wanting to print photos, I would actually print some. (I did.)
If I stop thinking I have to do so many things I would set better priorities.
If I stopped wanting to please people, I would think more about pleasing myself.
Try this exercise yourself. Just write “What if I stopped………” at the top of a sheet of paper. Set a timer for 15 minutes and write anything that comes into your mind. Don’t worry about spelling, neatness, order or anything else. Just keep your pen moving until the timer rings. In this case thinking and writing are the same thing. Write BEFORE you think! Have fun with it.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Personal Growth, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Emotional Problems,CoDependency[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
Does someone you care about drive you crazy?
Sometimes it seems strange that the people we are most attracted to are the ones we most want to change. At first we are thrilled to be with someone who is so steady and reliable.
Soon you are furious with her\him because s\he is so boring. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Jeanette was afraid to answer her telephone. Her mother was calling every day or two with another “emergency” to induce Jeanette to make yet another l,000 mile trip to take care of her.
Jeanette had been trained to be the caretaker for her mother from the time she was a small child. Both parents Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Marcia struggled not to turn toward her mother’s house. I want so much to see her, but I know she’s always drunk by this time of day. Maybe this time Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Elizabeth reported to her support group that she had noticed her new friend expected her to only do what he felt like doing. She proudly announced that she had asked him to do what she wanted to do instead of automatically following his lead. They negotiated successfully, and had a wonderful time together.
She then confessed, “Sometimes I feel so afraid I am going to turn back into the scared little girl I used to be. I’m afraid the positive changes I’ve made in my life will disappear and I’m afraid that dwelling on my fear will cause something bad to happen.”
Others in her support group admitted to similar fears. They too worried about whether their positive changes would remain in times of stress. They discussed the difference between the changes they had made that seemed stable and lasting and those that were short lived — like their New Year’s resolutions, forgotten by January 15.
Their New Year’s resolutions were generally based on a promise to do better because they thought they should (Adapted Child), while their true selves (Natural Child), really didn’t want to go to the trouble of doing something different. They noticed too, that changes that seemed stable had the agreement of all parts of themselves. Their Parent(s) thought it was the right thing to do, their Child ego state wanted the result, and their Adult(s) knew the change was possible and how to accomplish it.
Elizabeth examined her change by asking herself;
- Parent: Do I think this is right for me? (Yes, it keeps me out of painful, addictive relationships.)
- Child: Do I want the result (Yes, I like to get to do the things I want to do.)
- Adult: Do you know how to manage this change? (Yes, I can be alert to every invitation to consider someone else’s desires instead of my own — both are really important to me.)
She felt reassured that her change was probably stable.
Members of her support group also reminded Elizabeth that although children believe that thinking about bad things may cause something bad to happen, it isn’t really true. It is a myth that thoughts are dangerous; thoughts, like feelings, are neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are.
They discussed how thoughts and feelings don’t affect anything that goes on outside yourself unless you express or act on them in some way. Focusing on negative thoughts can bring negative results, but only by influencing your behavior. They all agreed that it is necessary to say something or perform some action, (or withhold some action) in order to have an impact on the world.
Elizabeth was greatly relieved that she had confessed her fears. Examining the problem helped to build the firm foundation she desired instead of precipitating the things she feared.
[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
In competitive families, the needs of one person take precedence over the needs of everybody else in the family. In a desperate attempt to counter this situation, some of us try to make sure that everything is fair and equal.
Both of these positions ignore the fact that Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
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