“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks

It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.

I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc

You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!

Warmly,

Laurie

PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.

PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

Sitting together in the hot tub after our respective workouts at the Y, she explained that both her parents were in nursing homes, and that her mother-in-law and her daughter would be visiting.

“I desperately need help. When my husband asked how he could help I told him to clean. Wouldn’t you know it! He cleaned under the sink in the upstairs bathroom.”

I told Diana that he probably did want to help, but that many men think very differently than women. We don’t want to insult each other by giving complete directions. We assume that if you say clean, anyone else would notice what’s dirty and clean it. Obviously your husband is one of the men who do that — for a variety of reasons that frustrate and infuriate women. These men need specific instructions.

I gave her this advice: “Diana, tell your husband exactly what you want him to do, and he’ll probably be happy to help you. Tell him get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and vacuum the living room. Try giving him detail this way. ‘Please move the small pieces of furniture and put them back where they belong when you are done. Then vacuum all three bedrooms upstairs. When you’re done, please put the vacuum cleaner away.’

If you want him to wipe the counter say. ‘Please wipe the counter with 409.’ Then hand him the bottle and the sponge. If you want him to dust show him which tables and furniture need dusting and which dust cloth to use. If you need him to polish the silver gave him the pieces to be polished or tell them specifically which ones to take out and which kind of silver polishing cloth to use.

Some people might be insulted if you gave then such specific instructions, but men like your husband will be grateful.”

I also suggested that she give her daughter, who offered to help cook, similar specific instructions. “Instead of waiting to see what your daughter will think of doing on her own tell her exactly what you need. Tell her to shop for specific items or to cut the vegetables and leave them in the refrigerator it that is the kind of help you need. If you want her to take charge of preparing specific dishes, tell her exactly what you want and you’ll avoid worry and misunderstanding.”

Relieved, but looking doubtful, Diana said, “I’ll give it a try.”

A week later she told me how her husband had actually done what she asked and was pleased that he had been able to really help her. She marveled that her daughter pitched right in, helped immensely, and that for the first time ever, they didn’t even argue.
Visit our Relationship Advice Blog
[tags]Self-Improvement. Relationships. CoDependency, Communication[/tags]

I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.

I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.

All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.

The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.

Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.

If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?

Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.

So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.

The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.

The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.

The third reason is that I need your help.

One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.

After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.

My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.

But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.

I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.

When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.

Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)

So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.

Warmly, Laurie

P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.

If I stopped worrying about money nothing would actually change in reality.

If I stopped reading my Internet marketing e-mail, I would have more time to write.

If I stopped reading my Internet marketing e-mail, I would not be constantly stimulated with new ideas.

If I stopped correcting Jon for the mistakes he makes I would be building up a lot of anger and resentment. (The problem is he considers correction to be criticism. I should have enough skill to correct without criticizing. I need to do something about this.)

If I stopped correcting errors I would be inconvenienced a lot.

If I stopped being annoyed when I’m interrupted I would be more relaxed.

If I stopped doing recreational shopping for clothes I would miss the fun and stimulation. (I love finding great bargains, and I have a lot more than I actually need.)

If I stopped holding onto papers, I would lose triggers for important memories.

If I stopped loving the boys I wouldn’t be me.

If I stopped keeping old things I haven’t used in a long time, I would be scared.

If I stopped piling up books and magazines near my bed, I would have more space.

If I stopped trying to sell my work online, I would be very sad.

If I stopped just trying to do an Internet business, I might actually do a successful business.

If I stopped pretending I don’t care about being successful, I would do more systematic things.

If I stopped following my health regime, I wouldn’t have much energy.

If I stopped writing I would lose my fleeting thoughts and be unable to organize them.

If I stopped thinking about how things work and how to fix them I would be bored.

If I stop criticizing myself for what I don’t do, I would stop feeling guilty.

If I stopped worrying about spending so much money I would stop criticizing my own mistakes.

If I stopped worrying about getting the most value for my money I would need to find a different game to play and win. (I’m very good at this game.)

If I stopped wanting to print photos, I would actually print some. (I did.)

If I stop thinking I have to do so many things I would set better priorities.

If I stopped wanting to please people, I would think more about pleasing myself.

Try this exercise yourself. Just write “What if I stopped………” at the top of a sheet of paper. Set a timer for 15 minutes and write anything that comes into your mind. Don’t worry about spelling, neatness, order or anything else. Just keep your pen moving until the timer rings. In this case thinking and writing are the same thing. Write BEFORE you think! Have fun with it.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Personal Growth, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Emotional Problems,CoDependency[/tags]

Sometimes it seems strange that the people we are most attracted to are the ones we most want to change. At first we are thrilled to be with someone who is so steady and reliable.
Soon you are furious with her\him because s\he is so boring.

If you are the stable and responsible one, you may be attracted to someone who is exciting and outrageous, and then try to calm down some of his\her exuberance.

What you experienced when you were a child may actually be the source of the problem.

As a child, you naturally do your best to please the grownups who care for you. If they are disturbed by childhood exuberance, you can tell, and you try to be quiet. Eventually you forget that you ever could get excited.

Of course, if your natural inclination was to be quiet and you grew up in a family that cherished exuberance, you may have forgotten the quiet introspective parts of yourself.

Nobody likes to lose a part of herself. When someone else appears who has your lost characteristics, a part of you gets very excited. At first you are attracted to him\her.

Later, you feel scared or angry, because the part of you who tried to please the grownups when you were a child becomes active again.

The solution to this strange dilemma is to reclaim the lost parts of yourself.

If you are attracted and repelled by exuberance, develop your own. Learn to play — study clowning. If you are attracted and repelled by steadiness, learn to follow through on your own commitments.

When you reclaim the characteristics you once put aside, you will discover that you can accept them more easily in the people you care about.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Self Help, Self-Improvement, Personal Growth, CoDependency[/tags]

Jeanette had been trained to be the caretaker for her mother from the time she was a small child. Both parents had assured her that she was far more capable than her ‘fragile’ mother. She assumed the role in order to keep the family running smoothly and to keep her parents’ approval.

Jeanette left home, married, and successfully raised a family of her own. With some professional help she realized that she had focused her entire life around caring for others and barely knew how to take care of herself.

She learned that her own needs and feelings were as important as those of others. When the phone calls started, she was doing work she loved, and taking time to play.

Now Jeanette was experiencing a dilemma. Two years after her father’s death, her healthy but still helpless and fragile mother seemed unable to cope with life alone.

Jeanette felt terrible. She loved her mother and recognized that her mother’s behavior was a sign of real emotional distress. She also realized that to give in to her mother’s demands would cost her the life style she had worked so hard to achieve.

After much soul searching and consultation with her family, she decided that it was important to find a way to support her mother without compromising her own life style.

Mother was insistent that she did not want to leave her own home, so Jeanette and her siblings decided it would be best to find a way to keep her there and still be assured that responsible people were available to help her manage her life.

Jeanette found an agency that would send someone daily and help with whatever was necessary. She contacted her mother’s doctor, attorney, minister and neighbors and explained the situation to them.

When the support services were in place, she told her mother that she would check with the support people on the scene before deciding whether she really needed her physical presence.

Mother was not completely happy with the situation, but Jeanette reminded herself that mother had never been very happy anyhow.
Mother did test the situation, and Jeanette held firm to the limits she had established. She monitored her answering machine and returned phone calls when it was convenient.

Two months later, Jeanette was very pleased that although she still had frequent phone conversations with her mother, the demands on her time were greatly reduced. Relieved of the worry and pressure, she was even starting to enjoy their contacts.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

{tags]Relationships, Self Help,Parents, Personal Growth,Aging Parents, CoDependency[/tags]

Marcia resisted the temptation and shakily went on to her own apartment, where she called her AlAnon sponsor. She calmed down as her sponsor reminded her of the principles of detachment she had been studying; once more she looked at the list of three therapists’ names several friends had given her months before.

Once again she argued with herself. Should I call? If I call, will they tell me I am crazy? I can manage OK with my support group. It’s not as bad as it used to be; at least I hardly ever go see Mom when she’s drunk — but I still want to, and I can’t seem to stop wanting to.

I’ve read so many books about people like me; the books make sense, and) understand what to do. I just can’t seem to do it myself. What will people think of me if I can’t do it myself?

I know that Dad will say it’s a waste of time and money to talk to some shrink, but my sister said it helped her. I’m so tired of working so hard at controlling myself and still feeling so bad.

Marcia finally called the three therapists for information, and was slightly relieved when she couldn’t reach any of them directly. She got an answering machine, an answering service, and a receptionist. She left messages, got some basic questions answered, and waited ambivalently for her calls to be returned.

Two of the therapists called back that evening, and one the next day. All three were pleasant and matter-of-fact, giving her the information she requested about availability, fees, type of therapy, qualifications, experience, and special interests. One offered to send her written information, and one suggested that a book he had written would give her a good idea of what she could expect with him.

Two of the therapists sounded good to her; one had time available in three days, and the other could see her next week. Marcia decided to take the first available appointment, before she lost her nerve again; she also thought she would hold the second one in reserve, in case she didn’t feel comfortable with her first choice.

When she arrived at the therapist’s office, she was offered a hot drink and asked to fill out some papers. The therapist ushered her into an inner office furnished with comfortable chairs. “Would you rather start by asking me questions, or by telling me about why you decided to come in?”

Marcia started to tell her story. As she talked, she tried to blink back the tears and apologized for getting emotional. The therapist said, “Lots of people cry in here; they’re so relieved to have someone listen. Take your time; the tissues are right here.”

Almost an hour later, Marcia emerged with an enormous sense of relief, several suggestions for “homework,” and an appointment to return in a week.
[tags]CoDependency, Emotional Problems,Parents, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships[/tags]

She then confessed, “Sometimes I feel so afraid I am going to turn back into the scared little girl I used to be. I’m afraid the positive changes I’ve made in my life will disappear and I’m afraid that dwelling on my fear will cause something bad to happen.”

Others in her support group admitted to similar fears. They too worried about whether their positive changes would remain in times of stress. They discussed the difference between the changes they had made that seemed stable and lasting and those that were short lived — like their New Year’s resolutions, forgotten by January 15.

Their New Year’s resolutions were generally based on a promise to do better because they thought they should (Adapted Child), while their true selves (Natural Child), really didn’t want to go to the trouble of doing something different. They noticed too, that changes that seemed stable had the agreement of all parts of themselves. Their Parent(s) thought it was the right thing to do, their Child ego state wanted the result, and their Adult(s) knew the change was possible and how to accomplish it.

Elizabeth examined her change by asking herself;

• Parent: Do I think this is right for me? (Yes, it keeps me out of painful, addictive relationships.)
• Child: Do I want the result (Yes, I like to get to do the things I want to do.)
• Adult: Do you know how to manage this change? (Yes, I can be alert to every invitation to consider someone else’s desires instead of my own — both are really important to me.)

She felt reassured that her change was probably stable.

Members of her support group also reminded Elizabeth that although children believe that thinking about bad things may cause something bad to happen, it isn’t really true. It is a myth that thoughts are dangerous; thoughts, like feelings, are neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are.

They discussed how thoughts and feelings don’t affect anything that goes on outside yourself unless you express or act on them in some way. Focusing on negative thoughts can bring negative results, but only by influencing your behavior. They all agreed that it is necessary to say something or perform some action, (or withhold some action) in order to have an impact on the world.

Elizabeth was greatly relieved that she had confessed her fears. Examining the problem helped to build the firm foundation she desired instead of precipitating the things she feared.

[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

Both of these positions ignore the fact that each person needs different things. The needs of each person are valid and the needs of everyone involved in a situation should be taken into account.

If you grew up in a family in which you needed to struggle for what was available, it is very difficult to be an effective parent when your own children try to manipulate you to give them everything they want. “You love my brother (sister) more than you do me!” As parents, your children will “get you” almost every time they say this.

Usually we are most vulnerable when we want to be fair and love our children “equally.” The truth is that neither you nor anyone else loves their children just the same. In trying to have things equal, your children can miss out on discovering what they need as individuals.

Explore your own beliefs. Recognize your fear of not having enough love, time, things. Then ask yourself,

• What is the worst thing that could happen if
  I did not have enough of what I want?
• How would I, or do I now, handle it?

You may realize that you believe that love is getting equal things and treatment. This belief generates an artificial scarcity: a grabbing for what someone else has, in order to make it “equal,” rather than an exploration of what you need.

The same can be true for your children now. In reality, it is perfectly normal and natural to have different experiences with different children and to respond to them individually. Your children are not being cheated, they are being acknowledged by your attention to their unique needs and characteristics.

If your children accuse you of not loving them the same, you could tell them, “I don’t love you the same. I love differently because you are very different people.”

Talk with them about your new attitudes and ask them what they think is unique about themselves individually. Begin to have them explore their strengths and talents and share what they are learning.

As each child develops his own interests, there are new family decisions to make about money, time, and other resources. Let everyone help to decide how to use family resources with the new perspective that everyone does not need exactly the same things.

You may even provide a reward for them for arriving at a working solution. Shifting from a fear of scarcity (inequality) to a comfortable belief that there is plenty for everyone takes some persistence and cooperation.

You may also start with the recognition that you truly cannot get enough of what you do NOT need. Addiction and compulsions cause people to seek more and more of something in an attempt to provide a satisfaction that becomes increasingly elusive.

When you discover and then take action or request what you actually need, it is easy to know when you have enough. You will find you and your children share effortlessly when you all no longer fear not having enough.

Once you get accustomed to abundance, instead of scarcity, you may find you have an abundance of all kinds of things in your life: love, money, joy and time.

[tags]self-improvement, personal growth, self-help, emotional problems, relationships, co-dependency[/tags]