My new resolution is to write something before I read my e-mail. I made this resolution during the recent CAM (Conversation Among Masters) Conference, when Brian Johnson challenged us with two questions:
1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.
My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…
I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.
My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.
* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.
In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.
This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.
I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.
That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.
I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.
You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.
More about Laurie Weiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement
A client who frequently loses focus in her own life when she notices that someone else is in pain or difficulty asked me if I could help her get to the state described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in the following quote.
“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.”
This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life.
She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself.
In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action.
My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.
These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.
Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing
- What do I think would be helpful?
- What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
- Do I have the resources to provide this help?
- What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
- How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
- What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
- Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
- Has the other person asked for help?
If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!
- Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
- Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
- Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Difficult Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Transactional Analysis
Laurie will be interviewed on Barbara Dixon’s Spirit Speaks blog radio talk show. Her topic is "How to Nurture Your Relationship During These Changing Times." Tune in at 10:00 a.m. ET on Monday, March 16. by clicking the Play button in the box below:
You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956. [tags]Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Difficult Communication, Money, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help
Do you ever feel like you’re on the verge of something new and not quite sure what it is or what to do with it?
About 14 years ago we received a website as a gift from our son who had just become a webmaster — a profession I had learned about only weeks earlier. We asked what we would do with it and he told us we would figure it out.
Of course we did figure it out, and the Empowerment Systems website is still growing strong. Not only that it seems to keep multiplying and now has several siblings. If you want to know what I’m talking about just visit http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com and explore.
But that’s not exactly what I wanted to share with you today.
When we attended the annual USATAA gathering in Jamaica a few weeks ago, I found myself in a strange time warp. I was revisiting my past and urging my friends and colleagues to move into the future.
Revisiting the past because my dear friend and first Transactional Analysis trainer, Fanita English, was part of the group. I bonded with her nearly 40 years ago when I did a really important piece of personal work as a part of my training. It literally changed my life in a wonderful way. We’ve had many different kinds of experiences together since then and finally this time we both came to understand how multidimensional our long-term friendship really is.
What an incredible treat for me!
The part about the future came in a discussion of how to revitalize the teaching of Transactional Analysis (TA) throughout the USA. The TA tools I first learned 40 years ago about how to understand, predict and change human behavior are still the basic tools I use to help my clients reach their goals.
While many parts of TA are part of the culture now like "different strokes for different folks" and "quit playing games with me", most people still don’t understand the depth and richness and utility of these tools.
I’m not currently doing any TA teaching but I’ve put links to available training programs here so you can get to them easily. My friend Felipe Garcia is teaching a two day course in San Antonio soon, and there’s an ongoing training program in Fort Worth, Texas.
Once again I got off track — there’s so much to say — the week was very rich. I’ll put up pictures soon on my Facebook page as well as on my blog. I’ll explain why in a minute.
The Jamaica Gathering uses an Open Space format. It’s not like a conference where I need to design and submit what I’m going to say months in advance. It’s a place to share creative ideas and collaborate in their development — another treat for me.
And this time I completely surprised myself. I found myself offering a program on spreading TA information through social networking. Now social networking (Think MySpace) is something as strange and new to me as a website was 14 years ago. I don’t know a lot about it and I keep wondering what I’m doing there, but I know it’s as important as my son knew the original website would be.
I’ll need to share more details about this in the article I promised to write for the USATAA newsletter and website. However, I have dipped my toes into the water. I’m active on three different networks where I am constantly discovering old and new friends in learning about new aspects of the world. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing or where I’m going but the possibilities seem endless.
If you are there too, join me. In the common language of social networking "be my friend." It’s fun, easy, potentially creative and it’s quite amazing. I’m on Facebook (my space for grown-ups), LinkedIn (a business networking site), and Twitter (share only 140 characters at one time). It’s all about quickly and frequently updating information.
Here are the addresses: Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
To join just go to the websites and follow the simple instructions. Come on in — the water’s fine. Anyone can play — it’s easy. I admit I was scared at first — you may be, too — but it’s actually fun and only takes a few minutes.
BTW, The Masters Gathering is still offering lots of fabulous free information. Here is a link to an hour long podcast with the leading recognized raw foodist and super nutritionist David Wolfe, and Dr. Alex Loyd of the "Healing Codes." http://www.themastersgathering.com/LoydWolfe/?10728 Just click the link and listen to it right on your computer. ALSO: Did you know that if someone steals the Exit sign on their way off your plane it can delay your departure for 5 hours?
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Self-Improvement, Transactional Analysis
Mark your calendar now. I will be interviewed about relationships on Barbara Dixon’s Blog Talk
Radio Spirit Speaks Show at 10 am ET, Monday, March 16th.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks
It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.
I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc
You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!
Warmly,
Laurie
PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.
PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Diana almost cried when I asked her. How are you going to spend the holidays?
Sitting together in the hot tub after our respective workouts at the Y, she explained that both her parents were in nursing homes, and that her mother-in-law and her daughter would be visiting.
“I desperately need help. When my husband asked how he could help I told him to clean. Wouldn’t you know it! He cleaned under the sink in the upstairs bathroom.”
I told Diana that he probably did want to help, but that many men think very differently than women. We don’t want to insult each other by giving complete directions. We assume that if you say clean, anyone else would notice what’s dirty and clean it. Obviously your husband is one of the men who do that — for a variety of reasons that frustrate and infuriate women. These men need specific instructions.
I gave her this advice: Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Sitting on my patio among the fallen leaves on a peaceful sunny November afternoon, I’m reviewing my writings from the summer and early fall. Do I dare share them and allow my most personal thoughts out into the world? I think I will — in the service of becoming as authentic as I possibly can be.
I’m happy here, learning by remembering. I move so quickly through the world that what matters most slips away.
I’m talking about relationships tomorrow. When I talk about anything, it’s my presence that counts. It’s not so much about the information, but about my ability to help others feel that they’re seen, heard and accepted — essentially to create a relationship with them.
And that, after all is the essence of a good relationship — the mutual experience of being seen, heard and accepted by another.
Whether it’s a parent and a child.
Whether it’s a husband or wife.
Whether it’s a business associate — a grandchild — a sister or brother or an old friend.
Do you see me — know me? How do you let me know that I am being known?
Do you hear me — what I’m not saying as well as what I am saying — what I really mean?
Do you accept me as OK just as I am? Or judge that I need to change before I can become acceptable?
Is it me or my behavior or my reflected glory that counts with you?
Even when I see you and hear you and accept you, you sometimes don’t get it and protect yourself (from what?) by rejecting me.
And sometimes, even when I desperately need your acceptance, I can’t get through to you to let you know. I can’t pierce my own barriers let alone yours — so I stay lonesome.
Relationship is a dance. We must do it with each other.
Come… dance with me.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Remember the time you got one little piece of information that completely shifted how you felt about yourself or someone else. Remember the relief that came with the recognition that you were just like everybody else. It’s almost like affirming “Im really OK after all.”
I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.
I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.
All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.
The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.
Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.
If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?
Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.
So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.
The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.
The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.
The third reason is that I need your help.
One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.
After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.
My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.
But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.
I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.
When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.
Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)
So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.
Warmly, Laurie
P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, CoDependency Communication, Emotional Problems, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Workplace Relationships
Once my husband and I were asked to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. It never happened, but it certainly gave me a lot to think about. The proposed show topic was non-traditional marriages, and we were invited because of our professional expertise on the subject, as well as our own personal examples. Since we look fairly ordinary, many of our friends asked “what is non-traditional about your marriage?” Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Notes from my own journey
A very practical teacher taught my first metaphysical class about money. That is where I learned this affirmation and how to apply it. The affirmation changed my financial life:
Part of all I earn is mine to keep.
To experience the reality of this affirmation, save any amount of money in an interest-bearing account. Add to the account regularly. You could start by putting the equivalent of a single latte a week into the account.
When the interest is paid, withdraw the interest from the account and spend it consciously. Never spend the principal. I started this experiment over 30 years ago.
It started me on the road to financial independence. In about 1976 I started saving money in a savings account, and spending interest of about 89 cents per quarter — consciously!
By 1978 I had accumulated $1000 in the savings account and decided to really invest it — in a mutual fund. Knowing almost nothing about investing, I carefully chose the fund from the Forbes magazine conservative mutual fund honor roll. In a year later, I invested another $1000 and in 1980 I made my third and last $1000 investment in that fund.
I requested that the semi-annual dividends be sent to me, and not reinvested. I started getting payments of $100 per year, then sometimes $300 per year, sometimes more. I spent that money very consciously. My last check was for $783.84.
Since this was an experiment, I kept careful records of the results.
In the 29 years since I made my first investment, I have received and spent $16,564. The value of my original unspent principal, the unspent $3000, fluctuates with the stock market. My last statement says my mutual fund shares are worth $10,929.69.
This is a demonstration of several sound financial principles that can be explained at another time. To my naive self, it was like magic. Seeing was believing! I got to have my cake and eat it too!
It set the stage for other successful investments, and my openness to accepting financial advice from carefully chosen advisors.
It works. Try it for yourself.
One way to be happy with your life partner is to be very clear about your money situation. Being Happy Together: How to Create a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week has a whole chapter about Money and Relationships.
[tags]Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
|
