My life is full of miracles and sometimes I don’t even notice them. But this week I did. Somehow, when we were teaching in Dallas, I started telling Judy’s story.
Judy was an abuse survivor who used her talent as a sculptress both to heal herself and to argue passionately for the protection of children in dangerous situations. Judy died 6 years ago and I still miss her. I worked with her for many years and she had a huge impact on my life.
During the conversation in Dallas I, mentioned that a videotape existed of Judy describing her artwork. The recording was made 13 years ago. Two people asked for copies of it.
I discovered only one copy in my files. The phone number for the business that owned the master tape did not work.
I found the original owner in the phone book. He had closed his business 7 years ago, and was about 3 days away from disposing of all the remaining masters.
The next day this kind man, George Kinzer, delivered the master tape to my door.
OK, that’s a minor miracle. The real miracle was the work that went into producing the recording. It starts with Judy’s survival and sanity. It continues with Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Several years ago one of my clients, Judy O, was featured on television news story about the incredible resilience of the human spirit. Judy made the courageous decision to show the statues she created as part of her recovery from extreme physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, because she “doesn’t want her abuse to be wasted.”
Judy, who has since died, was committed to helping stop child abuse by letting people know what it feels like to be an abused child — and she was successful.
Most people who have the courage to Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
You have probably heard about “Emotional Intelligence,” but did you know that your emotional intelligence (EQ) appears to have a greater influence on your success than your IQ or intelligence quotient?
People with a high EQ have an awareness of their own feelings and an ability to use that awareness to guide their decisions. They do not act solely on the basis of their emotions. They have the ability to both think and feel in any situation. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Everyone procrastinates; it is a natural response to ambivalence.
One part of yourself wants to do something, or believes that it should be done. At the same time another part of you is worried about the consequences of doing what you want to do or is more interested in doing something else with your time and energy.
A lot of energy can be expended in this tug-of-war, further draining your resources. The net result is paralysis. You put off any action until later.
Sometimes later means the last possible moment before reaping the consequences Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
A successful young woman recently asked me a poignant question: “How do you begin to learn to love yourself? I‘m surrounded by people who care about me, but for so long, I‘ve questioned myself and thought I wasn‘t worthy of anything. How do I change that?“
In order to answer this question, Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Do you have the experience of feeling accepted, cared about, and important when you are with others, or are you worried about being rejected, forgotten, or abandoned?
Probably, like most of us, you feel comfortable and secure in some situations, and insecure and a little scared in others. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
How can I tell if the voice I’m listening to is my Higher Self or my scared inner child, masquerading as a wise being?
Elaine had good reason to ask this question. She firmly believed in her inner guidance, engaged in many spiritual practices which helped her feel loving and peaceful, and was just emerging from her fourth disastrous relationship.
“Each time I meet a new man who excites me, my inner voice tells me this time I have really found the right one; this time it will be different! But it isn’t long before he starts the same old pattern of distancing himself from me. With four different men I have started out feeling close, and as soon as I really commit, each one has pulled away.”
Elaine sought help from her spiritual teacher, who suggested gently that sometimes people seek spiritual healing to avoid dealing with painful past experiences. When a problem keeps recurring — like repeatedly choosing inappropriate men — more spiritual work is usually not the answer. Repeating something that has not worked in the past is unlikely to solve the problem. The teacher suggested that Elaine find help to explore the source of her problem.
Working with a therapist, Elaine discovered that she was choosing men who reminded her of her father, who had never given her the affection she desired. Her inner voice was indeed a child, hopefully seeking affection from a man “just like Daddy”. No wonder they seemed right — they were perfect, and because they were so perfect, they acted just as distantly as daddy had.
When Elaine finally let herself feel how angry and sad she was about her childhood isolation, she realized that she had been avoiding this intensely painful memory. She realized she kept trying to get her father to love her, rather than exploring a relationship with a man who felt “different” and might really offer what she needed.
Elaine decided that her inner voice was not her Higher Self when it came to choosing men, and started avoiding the men she was excited about. She is slowly learning that she can get the affection she wants.
[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships [/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
* Lois blew her New Year‘s resolution to lose weight three days after she made it.
* Marty got all of his phone calls returned the first week of the new year — then settled back into his old pattern of waiting for the caller to try again.
* Jerri used her new filing system for almost a month. Her desk stayed clean, and she was thrilled. One day she was in a hurry and piled up a few things, and in a week her stack was as big as ever.
One reason why it is so hard to establish new habits is Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
This time it’s going to be different, thought Rosalie, as she drove toward her mother’s home. This time I’m not going to get caught in her manipulations. She carefully reviewed her planned strategies, struggling not to let her anger cloud her thinking. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Elizabeth reported to her support group that she had noticed her new friend expected her to only do what he felt like doing. She proudly announced that she had asked him to do what she wanted to do instead of automatically following his lead. They negotiated successfully, and had a wonderful time together.
She then confessed, “Sometimes I feel so afraid I am going to turn back into the scared little girl I used to be. I’m afraid the positive changes I’ve made in my life will disappear and I’m afraid that dwelling on my fear will cause something bad to happen.”
Others in her support group admitted to similar fears. They too worried about whether their positive changes would remain in times of stress. They discussed the difference between the changes they had made that seemed stable and lasting and those that were short lived — like their New Year’s resolutions, forgotten by January 15.
Their New Year’s resolutions were generally based on a promise to do better because they thought they should (Adapted Child), while their true selves (Natural Child), really didn’t want to go to the trouble of doing something different. They noticed too, that changes that seemed stable had the agreement of all parts of themselves. Their Parent(s) thought it was the right thing to do, their Child ego state wanted the result, and their Adult(s) knew the change was possible and how to accomplish it.
Elizabeth examined her change by asking herself;
- Parent: Do I think this is right for me? (Yes, it keeps me out of painful, addictive relationships.)
- Child: Do I want the result (Yes, I like to get to do the things I want to do.)
- Adult: Do you know how to manage this change? (Yes, I can be alert to every invitation to consider someone else’s desires instead of my own — both are really important to me.)
She felt reassured that her change was probably stable.
Members of her support group also reminded Elizabeth that although children believe that thinking about bad things may cause something bad to happen, it isn’t really true. It is a myth that thoughts are dangerous; thoughts, like feelings, are neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are.
They discussed how thoughts and feelings don’t affect anything that goes on outside yourself unless you express or act on them in some way. Focusing on negative thoughts can bring negative results, but only by influencing your behavior. They all agreed that it is necessary to say something or perform some action, (or withhold some action) in order to have an impact on the world.
Elizabeth was greatly relieved that she had confessed her fears. Examining the problem helped to build the firm foundation she desired instead of precipitating the things she feared.
[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
|
