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Jeanette was afraid to answer her telephone. Her mother was calling every day or two with another “emergency” to induce Jeanette to make yet another l,000 mile trip to take care of her. Jeanette had been trained to be the caretaker for her mother from the time she was a small child. Both parents Continue reading »
Whenever you start replaying conversations about what you could or should have said to someone else, as if you are still trying to change something that can‘t be changed, you are wasting your energy. Continue reading »
I sit fearfully on the plane, my mind a jumble of thoughts and feelings. Suppose I don’t get there in time to say goodbye? Suppose I do and she doesn’t die for days? What am l supposed to do? Continue reading »
Marcia struggled not to turn toward her mother’s house. I want so much to see her, but I know she’s always drunk by this time of day. Maybe this time Continue reading »
This time it’s going to be different, thought Rosalie, as she drove toward her mother’s home. This time I’m not going to get caught in her manipulations. She carefully reviewed her planned strategies, struggling not to let her anger cloud her thinking. Continue reading »
Do you know if your mother was popular when she was in high school? What about your father? Did he love athletics or did he work on cars after school? What were your parents lives like when you were born? Were they excited or terrified or both? How long Continue reading »
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a set of tools for understanding people and their relationships; this article continues our series on key TA concepts. Most of the key elements of Transactional Analysis theory (Ego States, Strokes, Transactions, and Games) can easily be observed by anyone who is paying attention to what people say and do. The question of why people do what they do in the first place led Eric Berne to the concept of the Life Script. It was Berne’s belief that every child creates an answer to the fundamental questions:
Children answer these questions by using a process of making decisions based on experiences. These decisions lead to a relatively consistent, usually self-perpetuating “story” about one’s life. Berne’s most complete definition of the Life Script, in What Do You Say After You Say Hello, is “a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by the parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating in a chosen alternative.” The idea of a small child making a decision that shapes the rest of his or her life may not be easy to believe, but therapists frequently hear clients say things like “I decided that I had to always be very good so people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me and go away,” or “I decided never to let anyone get close to me again.” It is not at all unusual for a child to respond to abuse or neglect by concluding that they are somehow to blame for it. The general process of script formation begins when the child’s caretakers react to the child’s natural behavior with excessive anger, fear, shaming, ridiculing, upset or withdrawal. Berne labeled these parental responses “injunctions,” emphasizing that they were messages that tell the child what not to do — often without actually saying the words out loud. Typical injunctions that have been identified are: Don’t Be; Don’t Grow Up; Don’t Be a Child; Don’t Feel; Don’t Think; Don’t Be a Boy/Girl; and Don’t Succeed. Injunctions are usually accompanied by explicit verbal messages that tell the child what s\he should do: Be Good; Work Hard; Please Others; Struggle, etc. In response to the implied threat in the injunctions (“I won’t take care of you if you keep doing that”), the child learns to suppress his natural behavior. In effect, the child “decides” to discount that part of himself and to remove it from his answer to “Who Am I?” As the child grows, s\he finds role models, myths and stories to use to create some kind of plan based on his early decisions; this plan leads to a “Life Course” which is a somewhat predictable, often dramatic series of events designed to fulfill the script requirements. The Life Course often involves “casting” others to play certain roles (The Rejecting Female, The Critical Boss, etc.). Script decisions put artificial limitations on the person’s natural attempts to get his needs met; as a result, the decisions always lead to behaviors that reinforce the original choice. For example, a boy who decides not to get close to women (mothers) because they hurt him, still has a part of himself that needs closeness; as an adult, he handles this internal conflict by getting close to women, but he consistently attracts the kind of woman who is likely to be hurtful. When he later gets hurt or betrayed, he can reinforce his original decision, saying to himself “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her; women are all alike!” He then remains isolated for a while, until his need for closeness arises again, and he repeats the script pattern. Since Life Scripts are based on decisions, they can be changed. The process involves recognizing the theme being carried out by repetitive patterns, looking for the original decisions that created those patterns, and making new decisions. It is important to understand that this is not an intellectual process. Script decisions are made by a child in distress and pain, and they are not going to be given up simply by saying the words. It is necessary to be in contact with that Inner Child, to nurture and understand and be responsive to her, and to help her make new decisions based on the availability of a genuine caretaker — you. [tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis [/tags] ______________________________________________________ For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA). There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a set of tools for understanding people and their relationships. This is the first in our series on basic TA concepts. The concept of the Inner Child is based on the Child Ego State, first described by Eric Berne in 1961. An Ego State, according to Berne, is a consistent, observable pattern of thoughts, feelings, attitudes and behaviors that tend to operate together as a unit. Berne also described two other equally important parts of the personality: the Parent Ego State and the Adult Ego State. The Child is the part of us that contains the needs, feelings, wishes and emotions that we actually experienced as children. It also contains the decisions and beliefs we made about the world as a result of not getting our childhood needs met. Our Child is the part of us that is capable of joy, love, intimacy, spontaneity and creativity. The Parent Ego State contains rules, values, controls, prohibitions and directions, much of which is learned in childhood. It is usually modeled after our parents and other powerful adults. Our Parent Ego State can be nurturing, guiding, directing, and can provide safety and appropriate limits (Nurturing Parent), or it can be judging, criticizing, restricting, blaming and shaming (Critical Parent). The Adult is the part of the personality that is capable of memory, information processing, and rational — as opposed to emotional — thought and decision-making. It can be characterized as a computer, capable of processing information that is given to it, but subject to control by Child wishes or Parent prejudices — or both. Ideally, our Adult is used as a tool to figure out how our Child can get what s/he needs; however, it can also be used as a tool to figure out how to do what our Parent says “should” be done. Everyone has all three Ego states. We differ from each other in how much we use any particular one, when we use it, what kind of information or experience it contains, and how easily we can get access to it. Ordinarily, we move rapidly from one Ego State to another; a common example is the way we can switch from being deeply involved in an argument (Parent or Child) to answering the phone (Adult). We can learn to recognize when we are “in” the different Ego States by the characteristic and identifiable pattern of thoughts, words, facial expressions, voice tones and gestures that go with each one. Recognizing which Ego State we are using at any given moment makes it possible for us to change from that Ego State to another which might produce better results. Each Ego State is important, but each is only a part of the complete picture. When we have a decision to make, for example, it helps to use the Adult to gather and sort information about alternatives, consequences and resources. Questions that engage the Adult might be:
Our Parent can offer guidance and support, or it can criticize us for whatever we do. But, even in the criticism, there can be potentially useful information about safety and other people’s needs. You can get Parent input by asking: What is the right thing to do? What would Mom or Dad advise in this situation? Any decision made without the Child’s acceptance is likely to be forgotten or undermined later. Our Child can contribute by answering questions like:
These three Ego States are the basis for the TA approach to understanding human interaction. In the next Newsletter, we will show how the patterns of transactions between the Ego States of two people can determine the success or failure of their communications.
[tags]Personal Growth,Emotional Problems,Self Help,Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags] ______________________________________________________ For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA). The basic ideas of Transactional Analysis can be found in Eric Berne’s best-selling book, “Games People Play.“ There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.
It’s natural to want to show off your newly gained self-confidence, self-awareness, and serenity to your family of origin. You go to them hoping for enthusiastic approval. When you don’t get that approval you may feel like you’re a failure. You’re not. Your family of origin is Continue reading »
When boundaries between you and your parents weren’t ever clearly defined, the challenge of deciding on care for an aging parent becomes overwhelming. Often the old conflicts with our parents Continue reading » |
