Jeanette had been trained to be the caretaker for her mother from the time she was a small child. Both parents had assured her that she was far more capable than her ‘fragile’ mother. She assumed the role in order to keep the family running smoothly and to keep her parents’ approval.

Jeanette left home, married, and successfully raised a family of her own. With some professional help she realized that she had focused her entire life around caring for others and barely knew how to take care of herself.

She learned that her own needs and feelings were as important as those of others. When the phone calls started, she was doing work she loved, and taking time to play.

Now Jeanette was experiencing a dilemma. Two years after her father’s death, her healthy but still helpless and fragile mother seemed unable to cope with life alone.

Jeanette felt terrible. She loved her mother and recognized that her mother’s behavior was a sign of real emotional distress. She also realized that to give in to her mother’s demands would cost her the life style she had worked so hard to achieve.

After much soul searching and consultation with her family, she decided that it was important to find a way to support her mother without compromising her own life style.

Mother was insistent that she did not want to leave her own home, so Jeanette and her siblings decided it would be best to find a way to keep her there and still be assured that responsible people were available to help her manage her life.

Jeanette found an agency that would send someone daily and help with whatever was necessary. She contacted her mother’s doctor, attorney, minister and neighbors and explained the situation to them.

When the support services were in place, she told her mother that she would check with the support people on the scene before deciding whether she really needed her physical presence.

Mother was not completely happy with the situation, but Jeanette reminded herself that mother had never been very happy anyhow.
Mother did test the situation, and Jeanette held firm to the limits she had established. She monitored her answering machine and returned phone calls when it was convenient.

Two months later, Jeanette was very pleased that although she still had frequent phone conversations with her mother, the demands on her time were greatly reduced. Relieved of the worry and pressure, she was even starting to enjoy their contacts.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

{tags]Relationships, Self Help,Parents, Personal Growth,Aging Parents, CoDependency[/tags]

A simple letter-writing exercise that many of my clients have used can help you re-energize yourself.

• If a relationship has ended
• If someone has power over you and you can‘t confront them directly
• If someone has died
• If a stranger almost caused an accident
• If someone stole something from you or destroyed your property

This exercise can help you to stop obsessing about what happened and get on with doing what is important to you now.

You will need to write three letters, but the letters are not to be sent. They are a way for you to express important thoughts and feelings and to release your emotions. You do not ever have to show these letters to anyone else. If you want to, you can destroy them when you are done.

Once you get started, don‘t think too much about what you are doing, just write without stopping until you feel finished.

The first letter is to the person you can‘t stop thinking about. Write all your uncensored thoughts and feelings–even if you have said those things in the past. It is fine to feel anger and sadness as you write, just keep writing, even if the paper gets wet or torn.

In the second letter, act as if you are the person receiving your first letter, and answer it. As you answer the first letter, put yourself into the shoes of the person you wrote it to. Imagine that you are the person receiving and reading the letter you wrote.

Now write a letter back to you, as if s/he was actually responding to you. S/He may express anger, disbelief, sadness, or anything else. That person may ignore your points, justify their behavior, or be responsive to you in the letter. Even if you think the person you wrote to would refuse to respond, try to write what you imagine what they would think or feel.

The third letter is also from him or her back to you, but this time the letter is the letter you wish for, and says everything you want to hear.

Imagine that the person you wrote to understands what you said in your first letter, and is completely responsive to all of the points you made.

S/He may apologize, express appreciation, or anything else you want–after all you are writing this letter to yourself to complete unfinished business, and you know what you need to hear.

When you have completed all of the letters, reread them, and decide what to do next. You may want to share parts of them with someone you trust. You may even want to share them with the person in question. Only you can decide.

[tags]Emotional Problems,Parents, Personal Growth,Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement[/tags]

I had been told, “Come tonight, don’t wait. She may not last until morning.” As I threw things in my suitcase, I thought I was prepared for this inevitable time. I had assurances from friends that I could stay with them. I planned to rent a car-those were the rational plans, but 1 was shaking and knew I wouldn’t be a safe driver. Jon called my friend and she insisted on meeting me at the airport and taking me to the nursing home.

Mom was still alive when we arrived. Now what? I’ve never done this before! I’m scared — me, the competent professional helper — I don’t know what to do!

This isn’t the vibrant mother I knew; this isn’t even the shrunken, peaceful woman I had seen the week before. I tell her I’m here. I
kiss her and hold her hand. Her only response is a slight change in her very quiet breathing.

My friend shows me how to moisten my mother’s lips; she says “Talk to her, tell her how much you love her. Tell her about the happy times you remember. Sing to her.”

I sit. I talk. I pray. I moisten her lips. I touch. I pray. I talk. The nurses come and go; they tell me, “Hearing is the last thing to go. Talk to her.” I talk to Mom about letting go. I am assured that, if I go nap, I will be called if there is any change. 1 nap. I return. I moisten her lips. I sit. I talk. 1 pray. I even sing a little. Morning comes.

People come. Mom is much loved. Administrators, nurses from other areas, the director of nursing, all want to make sure she is as comfortable as she can be, and that I have what I need. I sit with my father, and we talk.

My sister arrives. I’m no longer the only one. My brother won’t arrive for another day.

I am no longer afraid. The process is slow but inexorable. The process is the same, but now I shock myself by thinking, “Hurry up! Why does this have to take so long?”

I am angry that life ends so slowly: five years of deterioration and this final, slow leave-taking. My sister returns to stay with Mom. I say goodbye again and go to my friend’s house to sleep.

As I prepare to return, the phone rings. “Hurry back — it’s time.” I meet my sister in the hall. Mom is gone. We embrace. I go to my father, who is alone with her body.

We take turns sitting with Mom’s body until my brother arrives. People come and say goodbye, and talk about the good times. I am surprised at how peaceful I feel.

We celebrate her life and ours as we (father and children) talk with each other. There is sadness, yes, and relief. She has peacefully made her transition, and our lives continue.

[tags]Aging Parents,Parents, Personal Growth,Relationships[/tags]

Marcia resisted the temptation and shakily went on to her own apartment, where she called her AlAnon sponsor. She calmed down as her sponsor reminded her of the principles of detachment she had been studying; once more she looked at the list of three therapists’ names several friends had given her months before.

Once again she argued with herself. Should I call? If I call, will they tell me I am crazy? I can manage OK with my support group. It’s not as bad as it used to be; at least I hardly ever go see Mom when she’s drunk — but I still want to, and I can’t seem to stop wanting to.

I’ve read so many books about people like me; the books make sense, and) understand what to do. I just can’t seem to do it myself. What will people think of me if I can’t do it myself?

I know that Dad will say it’s a waste of time and money to talk to some shrink, but my sister said it helped her. I’m so tired of working so hard at controlling myself and still feeling so bad.

Marcia finally called the three therapists for information, and was slightly relieved when she couldn’t reach any of them directly. She got an answering machine, an answering service, and a receptionist. She left messages, got some basic questions answered, and waited ambivalently for her calls to be returned.

Two of the therapists called back that evening, and one the next day. All three were pleasant and matter-of-fact, giving her the information she requested about availability, fees, type of therapy, qualifications, experience, and special interests. One offered to send her written information, and one suggested that a book he had written would give her a good idea of what she could expect with him.

Two of the therapists sounded good to her; one had time available in three days, and the other could see her next week. Marcia decided to take the first available appointment, before she lost her nerve again; she also thought she would hold the second one in reserve, in case she didn’t feel comfortable with her first choice.

When she arrived at the therapist’s office, she was offered a hot drink and asked to fill out some papers. The therapist ushered her into an inner office furnished with comfortable chairs. “Would you rather start by asking me questions, or by telling me about why you decided to come in?”

Marcia started to tell her story. As she talked, she tried to blink back the tears and apologized for getting emotional. The therapist said, “Lots of people cry in here; they’re so relieved to have someone listen. Take your time; the tissues are right here.”

Almost an hour later, Marcia emerged with an enormous sense of relief, several suggestions for “homework,” and an appointment to return in a week.
[tags]CoDependency, Emotional Problems,Parents, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships[/tags]

“First I need to use my Adult,” she told herself. “I need to stay rational and keep thinking about what is actually happening and respond to that instead of getting caught in her game. When she starts whining at me about how miserable her life is, and how much she depends on me to take care of her, I need to remember that her Child is inviting me to use my Parent to think about what she needs instead of about what I need. That just makes my Child so furious because she never did want to take care of me when I needed her. I wonder if I will really be able to have a rational Adult to Adult conversation with her.”

One morning, lingering over coffee, Rosalie decided that the time had come to carry out her plan. “Mom, I need to tell you about some things I’ve been learning about myself in therapy. I’m sorry I haven’t been the kind of daughter you want. I have done lots of things I’m not proud of.”

To Rosalie’s amazement her mother listened attentively to her explanations about how the different parts of her personality functioned and how she was learning to act differently. “Maybe how I approach her really does make a difference,” she thought.

Later, Rosalie asked the most difficult question. Imploring her mother to be honest, she asked if she really was an unwanted baby. Instead of the usual “of course you were wanted,” her mother told the truth.

“I was angry at you, but it wasn’t your fault. Your father was running around with other women even before you were born, and I was completely tied down, and furious with him. Then he abandoned me, and I had no money and didn’t know how to take care of us. I did the best I could. I traded sex for a place to stay and for food. Finally I had to leave you with my sister — I didn’t want to, but I thought it would be better that way. I’m sorry, I didn’t know her son would hurt you.”

With further questioning, her mother told Rosalie about growing up in an alcoholic family, and leaving as a teenager, to avoid physical and verbal abuse. They cried together and continued the conversation. The truth hurt, but it was better than the lies of the past.

Rosalie imagined herself in her mother‘s position and felt compassion for the frightened young woman her mother had been.
When she left a few days later, Rosalie realized that she was no longer angry, and that she and her mother were finally starting to become friends.
[tags]Emotional Problems, Inner Child, Parents, Personal Growth,Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement,Transactional Analysis[/tags]

What were your parents lives like when you were born? Were they excited or terrified or both? How long were they together before they had any children? How did you change their lives? How did your parents get along with their parents?

Family gatherings at holiday times are sometimes uncomfortable because family members don‘t necessarily know what to say after they have said hello and caught up on the latest news. If you would like something different to talk about, asking your parents these or any other similar questions is likely to start an interesting conversation.

My parents died many years ago, and one of my treasures is a cassette tape of a family history interview I did with them on a holiday visit almost thirty years ago.

I remember feeling a little nervous about the process. As a fairly new psychotherapist, I had been asking my clients about their family histories as a way of understanding how their earliest experiences influenced their lives. I wanted some answers from my parents in order to understand myself better, and I was afraid they would feel as if I was invading their privacy.

My mother actually was reluctant to answer my questions, but only because she couldn‘t imagine why I would be interested in her early life.

I remember how shocked I felt when I commented that she had worked in the family business as a small child, and she replied, “All immigrant families worked.“

Up until that conversation, I had not realized the impact that growing up with Russian immigrant parents had on her, although I certainly knew that my grandparents came from Russia. No wonder she taught me to concentrate so hard on being productive.

My father was quite happy to answer my questions.

He shared stories about how much mischief he had gotten into as a boy and a young man. He also shared how he had managed to keep his own mother in the dark about some of his escapades. Years later I discovered that my own son had used similar techniques to keep me from knowing what he was up to.

In learning about my parents, I did learn about myself. However there was an unexpected side effect of the conversation. Somehow, by trying to understand their lives, my anger and impatience with them for not being perfect parents evaporated. I found myself able to appreciate them for who they were instead of being unhappy about who they weren‘t. Naturally, our relationship improved.

Take your tape recorder and a list of your own questions to your family gathering. Ask your relatives to tell the stories you have never heard and collect the familiar stories as well. Ask your children to talk about their favorite family experiences too. Create your own treasure, and have a wonderful holiday season.

[tags]Parents, Personal Growth, Relationships,Aging Parents[/tags]

Most of the key elements of Transactional Analysis theory (Ego States, Strokes, Transactions, and Games) can easily be observed by anyone who is paying attention to what people say and do. The question of why people do what they do in the first place led Eric Berne to the concept of the Life Script.

It was Berne’s belief that every child creates an answer to the fundamental questions:

• Who am I?

• Who are all these others?
• What am I here for?

Children answer these questions by using a process of making decisions based on experiences.

These decisions lead to a relatively consistent, usually self-perpetuating “story” about one’s life. Berne’s most complete definition of the Life Script, in What Do You Say After You Say Hello, is “a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by the parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating in a chosen alternative.”

The idea of a small child making a decision that shapes the rest of his or her life may not be easy to believe, but therapists frequently hear clients say things like “I decided that I had to always be very good so people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me and go away,” or “I decided never to let anyone get close to me again.” It is not at all unusual for a child to respond to abuse or neglect by concluding that they are somehow to blame for it.

The general process of script formation begins when the child’s caretakers react to the child’s natural behavior with excessive anger, fear, shaming, ridiculing, upset or withdrawal. Berne labeled these parental responses “injunctions,” emphasizing that they were messages that tell the child what not to do — often without actually saying the words out loud.

Typical injunctions that have been identified are: Don’t Be; Don’t Grow Up; Don’t Be a Child; Don’t Feel; Don’t Think; Don’t Be a Boy/Girl; and Don’t Succeed. Injunctions are usually accompanied by explicit verbal messages that tell the child what s\he should do: Be Good; Work Hard; Please Others; Struggle, etc.

In response to the implied threat in the injunctions (“I won’t take care of you if you keep doing that”), the child learns to suppress his natural behavior. In effect, the child “decides” to discount that part of himself and to remove it from his answer to “Who Am I?”

As the child grows, s\he finds role models, myths and stories to use to create some kind of plan based on his early decisions; this plan leads to a “Life Course” which is a somewhat predictable, often dramatic series of events designed to fulfill the script requirements.

The Life Course often involves “casting” others to play certain roles (The Rejecting Female, The Critical Boss, etc.).

Script decisions put artificial limitations on the person’s natural attempts to get his needs met; as a result, the decisions always lead to behaviors that reinforce the original choice. For example, a boy who decides not to get close to women (mothers) because they hurt him, still has a part of himself that needs closeness; as an adult, he handles this internal conflict by getting close to women, but he consistently attracts the kind of woman who is likely to be hurtful.

When he later gets hurt or betrayed, he can reinforce his original decision, saying to himself “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her; women are all alike!” He then remains isolated for a while, until his need for closeness arises again, and he repeats the script pattern.

Since Life Scripts are based on decisions, they can be changed. The process involves recognizing the theme being carried out by repetitive patterns, looking for the original decisions that created those patterns, and making new decisions.

It is important to understand that this is not an intellectual process. Script decisions are made by a child in distress and pain, and they are not going to be given up simply by saying the words. It is necessary to be in contact with that Inner Child, to nurture and understand and be responsive to her, and to help her make new decisions based on the availability of a genuine caretaker — you.

[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis [/tags]

______________________________________________________

For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA).

There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.

The concept of the Inner Child is based on the Child Ego State, first described by Eric Berne in 1961. An Ego State, according to Berne, is a consistent, observable pattern of thoughts, feelings, attitudes and behaviors that tend to operate together as a unit. Berne also described two other equally important parts of the personality: the Parent Ego State and the Adult Ego State.

The Child is the part of us that contains the needs, feelings, wishes and emotions that we actually experienced as children. It also contains the decisions and beliefs we made about the world as a result of not getting our childhood needs met. Our Child is the part of us that is capable of joy, love, intimacy, spontaneity and creativity.

The Parent Ego State contains rules, values, controls, prohibitions and directions, much of which is learned in childhood. It is usually modeled after our parents and other powerful adults.

Our Parent Ego State can be nurturing, guiding, directing, and can provide safety and appropriate limits (Nurturing Parent), or it can be judging, criticizing, restricting, blaming and shaming (Critical Parent).

The Adult is the part of the personality that is capable of memory, information processing, and rational — as opposed to emotional — thought and decision-making. It can be characterized as a computer, capable of processing information that is given to it, but subject to control by Child wishes or Parent prejudices — or both.

Ideally, our Adult is used as a tool to figure out how our Child can get what s/he needs; however, it can also be used as a tool to figure out how to do what our Parent says “should” be done.

Everyone has all three Ego states. We differ from each other in how much we use any particular one, when we use it, what kind of information or experience it contains, and how easily we can get access to it.

Ordinarily, we move rapidly from one Ego State to another; a common example is the way we can switch from being deeply involved in an argument (Parent or Child) to answering the phone (Adult).

We can learn to recognize when we are “in” the different Ego States by the characteristic and identifiable pattern of thoughts, words, facial expressions, voice tones and gestures that go with each one. Recognizing which Ego State we are using at any given moment makes it possible for us to change from that Ego State to another which might produce better results.

Each Ego State is important, but each is only a part of the complete picture. When we have a decision to make, for example, it helps to use the Adult to gather and sort information about alternatives, consequences and resources. Questions that engage the Adult might be:

• What is likely to happen if I…?
• Is there another way to achieve the same goal?
• What kind of help or support will I need if I make that choice?
• How can I get it?

Our Parent can offer guidance and support, or it can criticize us for whatever we do. But, even in the criticism, there can be potentially useful information about safety and other people’s needs. You can get Parent input by asking: What is the right thing to do? What would Mom or Dad advise in this situation?

Any decision made without the Child’s acceptance is likely to be forgotten or undermined later. Our Child can contribute by answering questions like:

• What would I really like to do if I could do anything?
• What would feel the best, the most satisfying, the most enlivening, etc?
• What would I do if I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble?
• What do I need for me in this situation?

These three Ego States are the basis for the TA approach to understanding human interaction. In the next Newsletter, we will show how the patterns of transactions between the Ego States of two people can determine the success or failure of their communications.

[tags]Personal Growth,Emotional Problems,Self Help,Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

______________________________________________________

For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA).

The basic ideas of Transactional Analysis can be found in Eric Berne’s best-selling book, “Games People Play.“

There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.

Your family of origin is the most difficult place of all for you to maintain your new way of being in the world.

Diane was well along in her growth process when she risked visiting her parents. Fortified by successful relationships with her friends and co﷓workers she was stunned to find herself almost immediately feeling like a helpless little girl trying to resist her father’s orders.

Like Diane, you may find that you regress to old feeling and behavior patterns, when with your family. Why? There are so many subtle communications among people who have been close to each other for a long time. These communication cues are so deep and basic they often operate below your level of awareness.

Diane responded to a whole range of cues, from verbal to visual to physical and emotional, that reminded her of how she was supposed to behave when she was a child. She soon felt like she was about 8 years old again.

Here are some things you can do to avoid slipping back into old patterns:

• Don’t go with an agenda to change your family. It’s an impossible job for you to do.
• Avoid flaunting your new behaviors. They probably will not be appreciated in your family.
• Become an observer. Notice as much as you can about the cues that invite you to regress.
  Notice the communication patterns. Are they indirect? Who talks to whom? About what?
• Be prepared to give your family as much as you can of what they expect from you. If you’ve always helped with the dishes this is not a good time to stop. If you’ve always been your mother’s confidante, listen sympathetically but this time avoid trying to help her solve her problems.
• Use the language that’s familiar to your family. Avoid using any kind of jargon.
• Think about what you want from the visit. Ask for it — diplomatically. If you don’t get, it be prepared to retreat.
• Be prepared to withdraw from conflict and redirect the conversation. Try saying, “I think I didn’t make myself clear. What I was really trying to tell you is…”

If you still get caught up in your old patterns, forgive yourself.

When you get away from your family, write down a description of what happened, step by step. Include as many of the words as you can remember. In the margin add a description of your feelings and thoughts at the time you made each statement.

Look at your reactions and try to figure out an alternative response for each step of the conversation. Don’t be discouraged if progress is slow. Old patterns have been around a long time, and it may take a long time to change them.

[tags]self help, self-improvement, parents, relationships, personal growth, emotional problems [/tags]

As you grow and mature, you are probably trying to learn to balance your own needs with the needs of other people. Clarification of your decision making process helps you understand the old pressures that are influencing you now. It also encourages you to look at new options.

You can use this process to examine any problem in which you feel strong pressure to do things you don’t want to do.

As our parents get older, many of us must decide whether to take our parents into our homes or help them to choose competent assisted care. This is one of the most emotional decisions we will make. These are our parents, the people who cared for us the best they could when we couldn’t take care of ourselves.

As your parent becomes dependent on you the role switch is confusing for both of you. You may feel like a child again, just by being in the same room with your parents. Maybe they still try to control your activities. You may feel guilt that even if your father would be happier in a nursing home, you would still be abandoning him.

A crucial question at this point is: Are you considering having your mother move in to care for her or to avoid your own guilt?

You may also be equating being responsible for your parent’s physical care and providing a nice home to making her happy. Using all the health-care capabilities you can develop, you may be able to care for your parent physically. It is impossible, however, to control her happiness, no matter how hard you try. Taking care of her because you feel guilty will almost certainly produce unhappiness for both of you.

To clarify the best alternative for you and your parent, here are some good beginning questions:

• What would my parent think, feel and do if s/he were in my situation?
• What is actually happening now? How do I feel?
  How does my parent feel? How is the current situation
  working for both of us?
• What are the available options?
• What are the available resources?
  (This may take some research.)
• What do I feel I should do?
• What would I do if I could do anything I wanted
  and nobody would ever know my decision?
• Is there a creative way to achieve a compromise
  between what I want to do and what I think I should do?

Go over your answers with a friend or a trained professional to help you design a solution that you can live with. If possible keep in communication with your parents. Treating them as capable adults will encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives. Encourage them to plan for their own comfort and happiness.

Your parents may have spent a lot of years focused on you: they need to create a balance between their new dependency and their ability to live their lives without you.

After you have done all that is realistically possible, decide to stop feeling guilty about your inability to do the impossible, and to enjoy the improvements that have resulted from your creative solution.

[tags]challenge, decision making process, trained professional, responsiblilty, creative solution[/tags]