I have three things to share with you. First, I just finished an amazing book. If have a loved one or friend who has had a stroke or brain injury you need to read this one.

"My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., is a first person account of a brain scientist’s report of her own stroke and recovery of brain function over a 9-year period. It blew me away.

Second, I also want to share something that Jonathan wrote (Jon has reclaimed his birth name) as we were developing material to let people know that we are actively offering couples counseling again.

It was a spontaneous statement of why couples should come to us for counseling. It didn’t quite fit into the webpage we were designing, but I think it’s a wonderful restatement of our lives together.

"…we want to share what we’ve learned with you!

Why us?

There are hundreds of people offering relationship advice on the Internet, and thousands more offline. How are you going to know who to listen to, who to trust with the most important part of your life?

All these adviser have credentials; so do we. They have all probably talked to lots of different people; so have we.

So what’s different?

Very simple: we have been there AND we have applied our training, knowledge, theories, understandings, etc., to our own personal and business lives, and have lived to tell the tale.

We have been married (TO EACH OTHER) for over 48 years, and we have experienced, survived, and grown from almost everything that two people together will ever run into:

• Major and minor moves, career changes, failures and successes;
• Stagnation, new directions, changing roles;
• Separations, distance, infidelity;
• A stillborn child — our first;
• Births;
• Children growing, grown, moving out, succeeding, failing;
• Teenage runaways, drug abuse, and impressive achievements;
• The deaths of all four parents — long illnesses, nursing homes, suicide;
• Investment successes and miserable failures;
• Giving advice, getting advice, using advice, ignoring advice, regretting advice;
• Laughing, yelling, grieving, plodding, creating, committing, sharing;
• Getting older, loving it and hating it.

Sometimes we think that the only important experience we have missed is the rich learning of a divorce, but we have worked with plenty of people before, during, after, instead of, preventing it or encouraging it,

that we think we have some wisdom anyway."

We have also made our CD of our talk with marriage counselors about relationship development available as an online audio. You can listen to it right now I’m your computer, or download it to listen later. You can get it at this link: http://tinyurl.com/53wvyh

(Jonathan’s words again) "Listen to some REAL experts talk about what REALLY  happens in relationships, and how you can use the information to make a difference in yours."

Third, I’ve agreed to help spread the word about a fr.ee tele-seminar being offered by my friend and colleague, Sharon Wilson. She is a leading transformational teacher who creates enormous success for the life coaches and entrepreneurs who work with her. She’s offering lots of bonuses when you register for the call.

So if you’re interested in how spirituality and business fit together, this will be a call you’ll enjoy. Watch for a post here with the title, "What’s been missing…" that you will show up on January 21. (It won’t sound like me, because I didn’t write it.)

Warmly,

Laurie

More about Laurie Weiss 

Judy taught me about projective identification long before I had ever heard of the term. She desperately wanted me to understand how she experienced the world. When the words didn’t work, sometimes her outrageous actions did. Learning the meaning of those actions became an important part of our treatment process. Eventually her sculptures evoked her life experiences in me and in others.

I learned that there were some life experiences I have never had and could never imagine having. These were not only the experiences of abuse I had heard about from so many clients but the experiences of living in a different culture. Judy was clear that I had no survival skills for living in her world —­ “the street,” yet she was passionate about learning what I did know and generous, sometimes overly generous, in sharing her own knowledge.

I had to learn to set limits and explain and argue about rules and customs I take for granted. I learned how difficult it was to not impose my own culture on others. Most of all, I learned that when I did not know what to do, I could still love. In retrospect, I think that is what made the difference.
More about Laurie Weiss

I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.

I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.

All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.

The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.

Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.

If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?

Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.

So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.

The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.

The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.

The third reason is that I need your help.

One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.

After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.

My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.

But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.

I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.

When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.

Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)

So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.

Warmly, Laurie

P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.

Judy was an abuse survivor who used her talent as a sculptress both to heal herself and to argue passionately for the protection of children in dangerous situations. Judy died 6 years ago and I still miss her. I worked with her for many years and she had a huge impact on my life.

During the conversation in Dallas I, mentioned that a videotape existed of Judy describing her artwork. The recording was made 13 years ago. Two people asked for copies of it.

I discovered only one copy in my files. The phone number for the business that owned the master tape did not work.

I found the original owner in the phone book. He had closed his business 7 years ago, and was about 3 days away from disposing of all the remaining masters.

The next day this kind man, George Kinzer, delivered the master tape to my door.

OK, that’s a minor miracle. The real miracle was the work that went into producing the recording. It starts with Judy’s survival and sanity. It continues with the impact her work had on the person who asked a TV news station to show the work. Then the TV station actually released the work to us! (A very rare occurrence.)

After the TV crew left, someone continued interviewing Judy and taping each statue and her description of it. All of the tape, some professional and some made with a home video camera, was given to George, who agreed to put it together for a nominal fee.

He worked on it for many extra unpaid hours, adding titles and enhancing and editing the home video. We distributed copies of the tape for educational purposes and then more or less forgot about it.

But there was a continuing problem. Judy’s voice was barely audible, and we did not have the technology to enhance it. We had to send written transcripts to make the tape usable.

The final miracle just happened. We were able to get the tape transferred to DVD so that we can easily make copies. When we received it, I reviewed it and with new technology Judy’s voice is audible.

I am willing to share copies of the DVD. However, BE WARNED! The 33-minute recording contains graphic images of extreme child abuse. It is emotionally challenging to watch — and I think, very important.

If you want a copy for educational purposes — your own education or, if you are a professional, to educate others — contact me directly. Laurie Weiss at Empowerment Systems .com [Close the spaces and change the at to @.] Or call 303-794-5379.

In the US, the cost will be $20 including shipping. Outside the US $25.

Another miracle to me is my complete recovery from my physical challenges of the summer. I am back in my exercise routine and I have even increased my strength in some areas. I feel wonderful.

Its fall in Colorado. We have been blessed with a tree full of Golden Delicious apples that I have been picking and giving away. By the end of the week we will be traveling again to spend time with our family.

I hope you are enjoying the miracles in your own life.

Warmly,

Laurie
[tags]Sexual Abuse,Psychotherapy,Inner Child,Personal Growth,Abuse[/tags]

Judy, who has since died, was committed to helping stop child abuse by letting people know what it feels like to be an abused child — and she was successful.

Most people who have the courage to look at her statues recoil in horror. Many of them report intense feelings of anger, guilt, and shame. They naturally feel angry at the abusers. Sometimes they feel guilty, as I did myself, for taking advantage, however minor, of a small child’s vulnerability. But why do they feel shame?

Although the TV segment was beautifully and sensitively done, alluding to, rather than actually showing the most horrible things, some viewers were still profoundly moved. When Judy first saw the show, she felt both fear and shame, feelings which didn’t diminished until her friends told her how moved they were by her suffering and her courage. But why did she feel shame?

Shame is what we feel when we believe there is something irretrievably wrong with our very being — and that someone else can see it. It is a feeling of wanting to hide, to vanish completely, to never show our faces again. It is an intensely painful emotion, and very common among trauma survivors and witnesses to traumatic events.

People who are traumatized by abuse or by other events, either as children or as adults, often believe that the trauma happened because of something wrong with them: that they caused it, even when they know logically that they were victims. Witnesses sometimes feel ashamed about their relief that it didn’t happen to them.

If you are a trauma survivor and feel ashamed to tell about your experience, gather enough courage to tell someone. Seek help for yourself — healing is possible! And never, never, never, never, hurt a child or knowingly allow one to be hurt!

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Sexual Abuse, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Emotional Problems, Inner Child, Abuse[/tags]

In order to answer this question, it helps to understand how it became a problem in the first place. Solving the problem at its source is the best way to change permanently..

Usually children decide that they are either not loved or not lovable when something happens that is stressful and difficult to understand. Children are quick to blame themselves for disasters in their lives. From a child‘s point of view, this conclusion makes good sense.

Once the decision is made, a child usually forgets making it and just accepts it as a fact of life that must be coped with.

You may be able to figure out when you made this decision by thinking about when you started believing that there was something wrong with you. This may have happened even before grade school. Once you find the decision, there are a lot of things you can do to change it.

A good therapist has many tools that can help you change early, inappropriate decisions you have made about yourself. So can any visualization that lets you truly feel nurturing toward the child you were when you made the life-limiting decision.

Years ago I wrote a program to help solve this problem. It appeared in the book, An Action Plan For Your Inner Child: Parenting Each Other. This book is for people who prefer to do this work in a class or self-help group. It contains a series of exercises to help people learn to love themselves.

The book/program includes many activities to help the user figure out the early decisions and for parenting/nurturing the child who made the limiting decision in the first place. About 10,000 books were sold in the early 90‘s, and users reported solid, permanent results that included loving and accepting themselves and improving relationships with their children.

Although some professionals have run these programs, they are completely user-friendly for self-help groups.

I still have a few copies of the book available. I am thinking about how to make the program available again. If you are interested in the program you may be able to get one of the remaining books.

If you have ideas for how to make the program available again, please respond here.
[tags]Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Emotional Problems, Inner Child[/tags]

The next morning at work, feeling exhausted, he berated himself for waiting until the last possible time to get his homework done. He always seemed to procrastinate about something important, and then push himself beyond his limits to get it done.
He seldom kept his promise to himself to start things early.

Richard discussed the problem with his mentor. As they explored procrastination, Richard learned why people often have trouble starting difficult, unpleasant, or time consuming tasks. They usually say to themselves “I should…” or “I have to…” and ignore the little voice that says, “I DON’T WANT TO!” After all, it’s not acceptable not to want to do those things. When people procrastinate, that little voice takes charge.

There are many possible reasons for not wanting to do a task.

• Sometimes a person has decided to do a task to meet a long-term objective, and immediate short term projects seem more pressing.
• Some people don’t want to do a task because it is inherently unpleasant.
• Others don’t want to do it because they are afraid of failing and looking bad.
• Often people don’t want to do a task because it is about someone else’s agenda and not their own. They said yes to a request they really wanted to refuse.

Sometimes people fear starting a large, complicated project because they simply don’t know how to organize and manage the task. They may believe that not having enough time will excuse them from not meeting their own very high standards. In today’s busy world,
people often believe they need to do more than it is possible for one human being to accomplish in any reasonable period of
time. The reasons for procrastination are as varied as the people who procrastinate.

Richard had lots of information and a few suspicions about why he kept putting off important tasks. He made a list of the commitments in his life. Work, school, his fiancee, his community service activities, and his loyalty to his softball teammates —
he couldn’t remember the last time he had taken any time to just relax. He was clearly over-committed, and his short-term activities were interfering with his long-term goals.

He discussed the situation with his fiancée, who helped him set priorities about what things would matter most to both of them. He decided that both work and school were important to his long term success, and that he really preferred hiking with his fiancée to playing softball. He also reluctantly decided to postpone the community service activities until he completed his MBA. In the following few weeks, he found that he was able to keep his commitments to himself, and even take a few evenings off just to relax.

[tags]Personal Growth, Psychotherapy,Self Help, Self-Improvement[/tags]

Elaine had good reason to ask this question. She firmly believed in her inner guidance, engaged in many spiritual practices which helped her feel loving and peaceful, and was just emerging from her fourth disastrous relationship.

“Each time I meet a new man who excites me, my inner voice tells me this time I have really found the right one; this time it will be different! But it isn’t long before he starts the same old pattern of distancing himself from me. With four different men I have started out feeling close, and as soon as I really commit, each one has pulled away.”

Elaine sought help from her spiritual teacher, who suggested gently that sometimes people seek spiritual healing to avoid dealing with painful past experiences. When a problem keeps recurring — like repeatedly choosing inappropriate men — more spiritual work is usually not the answer. Repeating something that has not worked in the past is unlikely to solve the problem. The teacher suggested that Elaine find help to explore the source of her problem.

Working with a therapist, Elaine discovered that she was choosing men who reminded her of her father, who had never given her the affection she desired. Her inner voice was indeed a child, hopefully seeking affection from a man “just like Daddy”. No wonder they seemed right — they were perfect, and because they were so perfect, they acted just as distantly as daddy had.

When Elaine finally let herself feel how angry and sad she was about her childhood isolation, she realized that she had been avoiding this intensely painful memory. She realized she kept trying to get her father to love her, rather than exploring a relationship with a man who felt “different” and might really offer what she needed.

Elaine decided that her inner voice was not her Higher Self when it came to choosing men, and started avoiding the men she was excited about. She is slowly learning that she can get the affection she wants.

[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships [/tags]

Marcia resisted the temptation and shakily went on to her own apartment, where she called her AlAnon sponsor. She calmed down as her sponsor reminded her of the principles of detachment she had been studying; once more she looked at the list of three therapists’ names several friends had given her months before.

Once again she argued with herself. Should I call? If I call, will they tell me I am crazy? I can manage OK with my support group. It’s not as bad as it used to be; at least I hardly ever go see Mom when she’s drunk — but I still want to, and I can’t seem to stop wanting to.

I’ve read so many books about people like me; the books make sense, and) understand what to do. I just can’t seem to do it myself. What will people think of me if I can’t do it myself?

I know that Dad will say it’s a waste of time and money to talk to some shrink, but my sister said it helped her. I’m so tired of working so hard at controlling myself and still feeling so bad.

Marcia finally called the three therapists for information, and was slightly relieved when she couldn’t reach any of them directly. She got an answering machine, an answering service, and a receptionist. She left messages, got some basic questions answered, and waited ambivalently for her calls to be returned.

Two of the therapists called back that evening, and one the next day. All three were pleasant and matter-of-fact, giving her the information she requested about availability, fees, type of therapy, qualifications, experience, and special interests. One offered to send her written information, and one suggested that a book he had written would give her a good idea of what she could expect with him.

Two of the therapists sounded good to her; one had time available in three days, and the other could see her next week. Marcia decided to take the first available appointment, before she lost her nerve again; she also thought she would hold the second one in reserve, in case she didn’t feel comfortable with her first choice.

When she arrived at the therapist’s office, she was offered a hot drink and asked to fill out some papers. The therapist ushered her into an inner office furnished with comfortable chairs. “Would you rather start by asking me questions, or by telling me about why you decided to come in?”

Marcia started to tell her story. As she talked, she tried to blink back the tears and apologized for getting emotional. The therapist said, “Lots of people cry in here; they’re so relieved to have someone listen. Take your time; the tissues are right here.”

Almost an hour later, Marcia emerged with an enormous sense of relief, several suggestions for “homework,” and an appointment to return in a week.
[tags]CoDependency, Emotional Problems,Parents, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships[/tags]