A client who frequently loses focus in her own life when she notices that someone else is in pain or difficulty asked me if I could help her get to the state described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in the following quote.
“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.”
This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life.
She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself.
In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action.
My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.
These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.
Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing
- What do I think would be helpful?
- What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
- Do I have the resources to provide this help?
- What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
- How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
- What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
- Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
- Has the other person asked for help?
If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!
- Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
- Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
- Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Difficult Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Transactional Analysis
My foggy mind finally cleared up again last Sunday night. What a relief! Even after a client said “I haven’t heard anything from you in awhile” last week, the jet lag just wouldn’t let go.
My wonderful time walking with Jonathan in the warm sunshine (2 days before the snow) in Waterton Canyon last Sunday made the difference.
As we walked I found myself thinking I had not seen any Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep there for quite some time. I dismissed the thought and
enjoyed the subtle fall colors. We found a picnic spot near the river.
Suddenly, six of those beautiful creatures passed within eight feet of us on their way to the river. A disgruntled fisherman tried to shoo them
downstream but instead the doe s and fawns splashed across the stream (scaring the fish, I guess) and then stopped to graze — completely unfazed by the people watching them from less than 20 feet away.
Delighted with our luck walking back down the canyon we spied a knot of fellow walkers staring across the river. Someone whispered, “There are about 20 of them!” Sure enough, the huge herd was just across the stream and scattered along the mountainside – this time accompanied by some really big rams.
As we watched, four of the does decided the grazing on our side of the shallow river was better and came splashing across, settling about
four feet away from us. We didn’t have a camera – but others were clicking like crazy.
We finally walked on, only to spot four other Rams silhouetted against the sky on the top of the canyon wall. Awesome! Thirty in one day!
What a blessing to add to the past few weeks of blessings.
Visiting our daughter’s family just outside of Paris was nearly perfect. This time, we got to explore as well as visit and take care of the boys
while their parents enjoyed a much-needed weeklong vacation in London.
Three highlights:
* Walking the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral.
* Attending R’s 9th birthday party and watching the children literally zip through the trees on an amazing ropes course.
* Celebrating my 70th birthday with dinner at the Eiffel Tower! Starting with champagne and ending with chocolate! What could be better?
The pictures are here http://cli.gs/76Rume
I feel truly blessed!
Remember, you never know where your next blessing will come from!
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Personal Growth, Relationships
These are my posts covering my trip to Spain from packing on April 5 to the morning after on April 25. Read from the bottom to the top. Follow me on Twitter. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
- Pillow to pillow 24.5 hours awake, 23 hours travel time. Now, after 8 hours sleep thinking about food and suitcases. about 10 hours ago from web
- Downloading my email in the Philadelphia airport after a pleasant 8.5 hr flight from Barcelona.3:11 PM Apr 24th from web
- Starting to transition to my other life. Wonderful day at the pool with my grandsons. Sad that this time with them is over. Leave early AM.2:52 PM Apr 23rd from web
- Reading: “Become a Blogging Maniac » Week 2″ (http://twitthis.com/anl8de )2:45 PM Apr 23rd from TwitThis
- “Rhinoceroses can kill things. They have smelly breath that is poison.” A (age 4 1/2) to E (age 3)1:35 AM Apr 22nd from web Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Laurie will be interviewed on Barbara Dixon’s Spirit Speaks blog radio talk show. Her topic is "How to Nurture Your Relationship During These Changing Times." Tune in at 10:00 a.m. ET on Monday, March 16. by clicking the Play button in the box below:
You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956. [tags]Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Difficult Communication, Money, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help
Mark your calendar now. I will be interviewed about relationships on Barbara Dixon’s Blog Talk
Radio Spirit Speaks Show at 10 am ET, Monday, March 16th.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks
It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.
I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc
You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!
Warmly,
Laurie
PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.
PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Three Different Things For You Today.
I have three things to share with you. First, I just finished an amazing book. If have a loved one or friend who has had a stroke or brain injury you need to read this one.
"My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., is a first person account of a brain scientist’s report of her own stroke and recovery of brain function over a 9-year period. It blew me away.
Second, I also want to share something that Jonathan wrote (Jon has reclaimed his birth name) as we were developing material to let people know that we are actively offering couples counseling again.
It was a spontaneous statement of why couples should come to us for counseling. It didn’t quite fit into the webpage we were designing, but I think it’s a wonderful restatement of our lives together.
"…we want to share what we’ve learned with you!
Why us?
There are hundreds of people offering relationship advice on the Internet, and thousands more offline. How are you going to know who to listen to, who to trust with the most important part of your life?
All these adviser have credentials; so do we. They have all probably talked to lots of different people; so have we.
So what’s different?
Very simple: we have been there AND we have applied our training, knowledge, theories, understandings, etc., to our own personal and business lives, and have lived to tell the tale.
We have been married (TO EACH OTHER) for over 48 years, and we have experienced, survived, and grown from almost everything that two people together will ever run into:
- Major and minor moves, career changes, failures and successes;
- Stagnation, new directions, changing roles;
- Separations, distance, infidelity;
- A stillborn child — our first;
- Births;
- Children growing, grown, moving out, succeeding, failing;
- Teenage runaways, drug abuse, and impressive achievements;
- The deaths of all four parents — long illnesses, nursing homes, suicide;
- Investment successes and miserable failures;
- Giving advice, getting advice, using advice, ignoring advice, regretting advice;
- Laughing, yelling, grieving, plodding, creating, committing, sharing;
- Getting older, loving it and hating it.
Sometimes we think that the only important experience we have missed is the rich learning of a divorce, but we have worked with plenty of people before, during, after, instead of, preventing it or encouraging it,
that we think we have some wisdom anyway."
We have also made our CD of our talk with marriage counselors about relationship development available as an online audio. You can listen to it right now I’m your computer, or download it to listen later. You can get it at this link: http://tinyurl.com/53wvyh
(Jonathan’s words again) "Listen to some REAL experts talk about what REALLY happens in relationships, and how you can use the information to make a difference in yours."
Third, I’ve agreed to help spread the word about a fr.ee tele-seminar being offered by my friend and colleague, Sharon Wilson. She is a leading transformational teacher who creates enormous success for the life coaches and entrepreneurs who work with her. She’s offering lots of bonuses when you register for the call.
So if you’re interested in how spirituality and business fit together, this will be a call you’ll enjoy. Watch for a post here with the title, "What’s been missing…" that you will show up on January 21. (It won’t sound like me, because I didn’t write it.)
Warmly,
Laurie
More about Laurie Weiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Emotional Problems, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement
Diana almost cried when I asked her. How are you going to spend the holidays?
Sitting together in the hot tub after our respective workouts at the Y, she explained that both her parents were in nursing homes, and that her mother-in-law and her daughter would be visiting.
“I desperately need help. When my husband asked how he could help I told him to clean. Wouldn’t you know it! He cleaned under the sink in the upstairs bathroom.”
I told Diana that he probably did want to help, but that many men think very differently than women. We don’t want to insult each other by giving complete directions. We assume that if you say clean, anyone else would notice what’s dirty and clean it. Obviously your husband is one of the men who do that — for a variety of reasons that frustrate and infuriate women. These men need specific instructions.
I gave her this advice: Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Sitting on my patio among the fallen leaves on a peaceful sunny November afternoon, I’m reviewing my writings from the summer and early fall. Do I dare share them and allow my most personal thoughts out into the world? I think I will — in the service of becoming as authentic as I possibly can be.
I’m happy here, learning by remembering. I move so quickly through the world that what matters most slips away.
I’m talking about relationships tomorrow. When I talk about anything, it’s my presence that counts. It’s not so much about the information, but about my ability to help others feel that they’re seen, heard and accepted — essentially to create a relationship with them.
And that, after all is the essence of a good relationship — the mutual experience of being seen, heard and accepted by another.
Whether it’s a parent and a child.
Whether it’s a husband or wife.
Whether it’s a business associate — a grandchild — a sister or brother or an old friend.
Do you see me — know me? How do you let me know that I am being known?
Do you hear me — what I’m not saying as well as what I am saying — what I really mean?
Do you accept me as OK just as I am? Or judge that I need to change before I can become acceptable?
Is it me or my behavior or my reflected glory that counts with you?
Even when I see you and hear you and accept you, you sometimes don’t get it and protect yourself (from what?) by rejecting me.
And sometimes, even when I desperately need your acceptance, I can’t get through to you to let you know. I can’t pierce my own barriers let alone yours — so I stay lonesome.
Relationship is a dance. We must do it with each other.
Come… dance with me.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Staying sane while we are surrounded by holiday insanity is an especially difficult proposition. We add extra activities to already overfull schedules. We are surrounded with media pressure to buy more, do more, go more, and often, we really want to. When we don’t manage to get everything done, we feel stressed and tired and kick ourselves for not having the holiday spirit.
If you are trying to find a better way, and can’t afford to pack up and go on vacation for the next three or four weeks, ask yourself these questions: Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Remember the time you got one little piece of information that completely shifted how you felt about yourself or someone else. Remember the relief that came with the recognition that you were just like everybody else. It’s almost like affirming “Im really OK after all.”
I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.
I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.
All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.
The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.
Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.
If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?
Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.
So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.
The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.
The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.
The third reason is that I need your help.
One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.
After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.
My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.
But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.
I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.
When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.
Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)
So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.
Warmly, Laurie
P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, CoDependency Communication, Emotional Problems, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Workplace Relationships
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