1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?

I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.

My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…

I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.

My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.

* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.

In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.

This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.

I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.

That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.

I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.

You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.

More about Laurie Weiss

“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

My wonderful time walking with Jonathan in the warm sunshine (2 days before the snow) in Waterton Canyon last Sunday made the difference.

As we walked I found myself thinking I had not seen any Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep there for quite some time.  I dismissed the thought and
enjoyed the subtle fall colors. We found a picnic spot near the river.

Suddenly, six of those beautiful creatures passed within eight feet of us on their way to the river. A disgruntled fisherman tried to shoo them
downstream but instead the does and fawns splashed across the stream (scaring the fish, I guess) and then stopped to graze — completely unfazed by the people watching them from less than 20 feet away.

Delighted with our luck walking back down the canyon we spied a knot of fellow walkers staring across the river.  Someone whispered, “There are about 20 of them!”  Sure enough, the huge herd was just across the stream and scattered along the mountainside – this time accompanied by some really big rams.

As we watched, four of the does decided the grazing on our side of the shallow river was better and came splashing across, settling about
four feet away from us. We didn’t have a camera – but others were clicking like crazy.

We finally walked on, only to spot four other Rams silhouetted against the sky on the top of the canyon wall.  Awesome!  Thirty in one day!

What a blessing to add to the past few weeks of blessings.

Visiting our daughter’s family just outside of Paris was nearly perfect.  This time, we got to explore as well as visit and take care of the boys
while their parents enjoyed a much-needed weeklong vacation in London.

Three highlights:

* Walking the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral.

* Attending R’s 9th birthday party and watching the children literally zip through the trees on an amazing ropes course.

* Celebrating my 70th birthday with dinner at the Eiffel Tower!  Starting with champagne and ending with chocolate!  What could be better?

The pictures are here http://cli.gs/76Rume
I feel truly blessed!
Remember, you never know where your next blessing will come from!

1. Pillow to pillow 24.5 hours awake, 23 hours travel time. Now, after 8 hours sleep thinking about food and suitcases. about 10 hours ago from web
2. Downloading my email in the Philadelphia airport after a pleasant 8.5 hr flight from Barcelona.3:11 PM Apr 24th from web
3. Starting to transition to my other life. Wonderful day at the pool with my grandsons. Sad that this time with them is over. Leave early AM.2:52 PM Apr 23rd from web
4. Reading: “Become a Blogging Maniac » Week 2″ (http://twitthis.com/anl8de )2:45 PM Apr 23rd from TwitThis
5. “Rhinoceroses can kill things. They have smelly breath that is poison.” A (age 4 1/2) to E (age 3)1:35 AM Apr 22nd from web
6. Getting ready for bed after a glorious day of sightseeing on the Mediterranean coast of Spain­only 2 more days to enjoy this vacation.3:17 PM Apr 21st from web
7. It’s hard to remember all of who I am when I’m mostly “Grandma” so I posted 4Things Meme on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/ch9qgd 12:13 PM Apr 20th from web
8. “…increasingly, individuals are turning to coaches for help with every sort of problem.” – Boston Globe http://tinyurl.com/cytpjv 11:08 AM Apr 20th from web
9. Funny to know it’s only 3pm at home and bedtime here. I can scarcely keep my eyes open after an afternoon exploring a medieval town.3:03 PM Apr 19th from web
10. Wow! Finally frist Begur album, grandchildren on and off beaches and 3 of Dali Museum http://tinyurl.com/c6rk48 3:21 PM Apr 18th from web
11. Too tired to remember how to upload photos of the Dali museum to Facebook. I’ll try again tomorrow.2:46 PM Apr 17th from web
12. “The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.” Joseph Jobert http://www.RelationshipHQ.c… 2:29 PM Apr 17th from web
13. Just enjoyed a private class with my Paris based, Jazzercise instructor daughter, Rachel Claret. http://momzen.blogspot.com/ 3:58 AM Apr 17th from web
14. Remembering Barcelona fishmarket: Fierce Fishmonger video http://tinyurl.com/c3v2cp 12:35 PM Apr 16th from web
15. Waiting for the interminable cycle of the Spanish washing machine to complete itself so we can hang the clothes and take boys to the beach.2:41 AM Apr 16th from web
16. More photos from Barcelona on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/c5vaj8 9:58 AM Apr 15th from web
17. People who learn to ask for what they want experience less stress and more joy. Thomas Leonard http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 1:36 AM Apr 15th from web
18. Question of the morning­how far from Paris to Hong Kong, Paris to Denver, Denver to Hong Kong. Thank you Wikipedia.1:05 AM Apr 15th from web
19. Starting the day cuddling 4 year old grandson. What a treat. Followed by 8 year old and 10 year old. Checking distances around the world.1:04 AM Apr 15th from web
20. Are you a coach looking for a “bigger game to play?” Learn how to take it up a notch here:http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 7:04 AM Apr 14th from web
21. Coffee in the square, fresh warm baguette and great cheese.Looking at the ocean while littlest grandchildren nap. Vacation is great.6:34 AM Apr 14th from web
22. @THetherington Lots of women find baldness sexy. Divorce is about other things. http://www.RelationshipHQ.com 12:50 AM Apr 14th from web
23. Here is where Jonathan and I am today http://tinyurl.com/chkgfl complete with 4 grandsons and their parents.4:28 AM Apr 13th from web
24. Barcelona photos: http://tinyurl.com/cdee4c 12:42 PM Apr 12th from web
25. RT @brad_callen has a cool, new FREE tool to massively increase the number of Twitter followers you have! http://www.twiveaway.com 11:05 AM Apr 12th from web
26. Sitting overlooking the ocean on a cold, rainy evening in Begur–North of Barcelona–Waiting for family to arrive–cozy, beautiful music.11:02 AM Apr 12th from web
27. Getting ready to leave Barcelona and drive to Begur. Today is cold and damp and shops are closed for Easter–a good time to travel.2:32 AM Apr 12th from web
28. Parc Geull http://tinyurl.com/c93r5y beyond belief!4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
29. Rejoicing! After 60 hrs we have all our bags in showery Barcelona. Parc Guell highlight of the day.4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
30. Enjoying gorgeous, cosmopolitan Barcelona­1 bag of 4 arrived­3 went to Madrid?? US Air only only gives info 5 hrs/day.2:21 PM Apr 9th from web
31. Miro Museum, Teleferic up (gondala)deMontjuric (Barcelona hill), tour bus, incredible! I’m exhausted…happy 2:14 PM Apr 9th from web
32. Joined my daughter’s family for part of Seder in Paris via Skype from Barcelona. Who needs luggage) http//:www.momzen.blogspot.com 2:22 PM Apr 8th from web
33. Amazing! Sagrada Familia Cathedral started in 19th century, partially finished in 21st. http://tinyurl.com/2gxmnu 2:13 PM Apr 8th from web
34. We’re in Barcelona and our luggage is in Baltimore. Everyone except US Air is friendly and helpful.6:01 AM Apr 8th from web
35. United Air Lines still has Xmas music on their classical channel­inviting me to get into the holiday spirit.5:59 AM Apr 8th from web
36. Organizing my life for 19 days of travel. Tomorrow is packing day. Tonight is spreading everything everywhere. Time to clear off the bed.9:59 PM Apr 5th from web

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956. [tags]Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]

Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks

It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.

I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc

You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!

Warmly,

Laurie

PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.

PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I have three things to share with you. First, I just finished an amazing book. If have a loved one or friend who has had a stroke or brain injury you need to read this one.

"My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., is a first person account of a brain scientist’s report of her own stroke and recovery of brain function over a 9-year period. It blew me away.

Second, I also want to share something that Jonathan wrote (Jon has reclaimed his birth name) as we were developing material to let people know that we are actively offering couples counseling again.

It was a spontaneous statement of why couples should come to us for counseling. It didn’t quite fit into the webpage we were designing, but I think it’s a wonderful restatement of our lives together.

"…we want to share what we’ve learned with you!

Why us?

There are hundreds of people offering relationship advice on the Internet, and thousands more offline. How are you going to know who to listen to, who to trust with the most important part of your life?

All these adviser have credentials; so do we. They have all probably talked to lots of different people; so have we.

So what’s different?

Very simple: we have been there AND we have applied our training, knowledge, theories, understandings, etc., to our own personal and business lives, and have lived to tell the tale.

We have been married (TO EACH OTHER) for over 48 years, and we have experienced, survived, and grown from almost everything that two people together will ever run into:

• Major and minor moves, career changes, failures and successes;
• Stagnation, new directions, changing roles;
• Separations, distance, infidelity;
• A stillborn child — our first;
• Births;
• Children growing, grown, moving out, succeeding, failing;
• Teenage runaways, drug abuse, and impressive achievements;
• The deaths of all four parents — long illnesses, nursing homes, suicide;
• Investment successes and miserable failures;
• Giving advice, getting advice, using advice, ignoring advice, regretting advice;
• Laughing, yelling, grieving, plodding, creating, committing, sharing;
• Getting older, loving it and hating it.

Sometimes we think that the only important experience we have missed is the rich learning of a divorce, but we have worked with plenty of people before, during, after, instead of, preventing it or encouraging it,

that we think we have some wisdom anyway."

We have also made our CD of our talk with marriage counselors about relationship development available as an online audio. You can listen to it right now I’m your computer, or download it to listen later. You can get it at this link: http://tinyurl.com/53wvyh

(Jonathan’s words again) "Listen to some REAL experts talk about what REALLY  happens in relationships, and how you can use the information to make a difference in yours."

Third, I’ve agreed to help spread the word about a fr.ee tele-seminar being offered by my friend and colleague, Sharon Wilson. She is a leading transformational teacher who creates enormous success for the life coaches and entrepreneurs who work with her. She’s offering lots of bonuses when you register for the call.

So if you’re interested in how spirituality and business fit together, this will be a call you’ll enjoy. Watch for a post here with the title, "What’s been missing…" that you will show up on January 21. (It won’t sound like me, because I didn’t write it.)

Warmly,

Laurie

More about Laurie Weiss 

Sitting together in the hot tub after our respective workouts at the Y, she explained that both her parents were in nursing homes, and that her mother-in-law and her daughter would be visiting.

“I desperately need help. When my husband asked how he could help I told him to clean. Wouldn’t you know it! He cleaned under the sink in the upstairs bathroom.”

I told Diana that he probably did want to help, but that many men think very differently than women. We don’t want to insult each other by giving complete directions. We assume that if you say clean, anyone else would notice what’s dirty and clean it. Obviously your husband is one of the men who do that — for a variety of reasons that frustrate and infuriate women. These men need specific instructions.

I gave her this advice: “Diana, tell your husband exactly what you want him to do, and he’ll probably be happy to help you. Tell him get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and vacuum the living room. Try giving him detail this way. ‘Please move the small pieces of furniture and put them back where they belong when you are done. Then vacuum all three bedrooms upstairs. When you’re done, please put the vacuum cleaner away.’

If you want him to wipe the counter say. ‘Please wipe the counter with 409.’ Then hand him the bottle and the sponge. If you want him to dust show him which tables and furniture need dusting and which dust cloth to use. If you need him to polish the silver gave him the pieces to be polished or tell them specifically which ones to take out and which kind of silver polishing cloth to use.

Some people might be insulted if you gave then such specific instructions, but men like your husband will be grateful.”

I also suggested that she give her daughter, who offered to help cook, similar specific instructions. “Instead of waiting to see what your daughter will think of doing on her own tell her exactly what you need. Tell her to shop for specific items or to cut the vegetables and leave them in the refrigerator it that is the kind of help you need. If you want her to take charge of preparing specific dishes, tell her exactly what you want and you’ll avoid worry and misunderstanding.”

Relieved, but looking doubtful, Diana said, “I’ll give it a try.”

A week later she told me how her husband had actually done what she asked and was pleased that he had been able to really help her. She marveled that her daughter pitched right in, helped immensely, and that for the first time ever, they didn’t even argue.
Visit our Relationship Advice Blog
[tags]Self-Improvement. Relationships. CoDependency, Communication[/tags]

I’m happy here, learning by remembering. I move so quickly through the world that what matters most slips away.

I’m talking about relationships tomorrow. When I talk about anything, it’s my presence that counts. It’s not so much about the information, but about my ability to help others feel that they’re seen, heard and accepted — essentially to create a relationship with them.

And that, after all is the essence of a good relationship — the mutual experience of being seen, heard and accepted by another.

Whether it’s a parent and a child.

Whether it’s a husband or wife.

Whether it’s a business associate — a grandchild — a sister or brother or an old friend.

Do you see me — know me? How do you let me know that I am being known?

Do you hear me — what I’m not saying as well as what I am saying — what I really mean?

Do you accept me as OK just as I am? Or judge that I need to change before I can become acceptable?

Is it me or my behavior or my reflected glory that counts with you?

Even when I see you and hear you and accept you, you sometimes don’t get it and protect yourself (from what?) by rejecting me.

And sometimes, even when I desperately need your acceptance, I can’t get through to you to let you know. I can’t pierce my own barriers let alone yours — so I stay lonesome.

Relationship is a dance. We must do it with each other.

Come… dance with me.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

If you are trying to find a better way, and can’t afford to pack up and go on vacation for the next three or four weeks, ask yourself these questions:

• What am I feeling resentful or resigned about doing? (Buying gifts you can’t really afford–doing things for or with people you don’t really like — baking special treats when you don’t have time you are all possibilities.)
• What are the reasons I give myself for doing each of those things? (If you answer “I would feel guilty if I didn’t.” check the reasons for your guilt. Is it because you will hurt someone’s feelings? Disappoint someone? Not carry on a family tradition?)
• What would really happen if I didn’t do this particular thing? (You may need to do some research to answer this one. Many of my clients find that asking the person they are worried about hurting brings surprising information.)
• Am I willing to live with the real consequences of not doing this? (Sometimes consequences are really minor.)

Now make a decision about whether or not you will do each item. (If YOU feel very sad or dissapointed about your decision, go through the questions again, and add your sadness to the consequences. Only YOU can decide which decisions are right for YOU!)

If you need help, call me. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Personal Growth[/tags]