Happy New Year!

Do you do any kind of formal or informal year-end review? My mail box has been filled with instructions about how to make 2012 your (my) best year yet. Aren’t you relieved that I have no similar instructions for you?

I have always hated to set specific goals. Instead I’ve decided on my priorities and check to see whether the choices I make are aligned with them. Keeping a journal makes this process easier for me, and besides, it’s fun to discover what I have to say almost every day.

I rarely read my journal, but on New Year’s Day I was counting my considerable blessings and looked to see what my day had been like a year ago. This year’s entry was so much happier than last years that I spend some time reflecting on how I made such a dramatic shift. My answer was involvement – involvement in writing “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do” and in practicing and teaching Logosynthesis.

So naturally I intend to stay involved. The book is done so as soon as it is released my focus will shift to letting the world know it exists. The short, pre-publication reviews are wonderful and I’ll share them soon. Meanwhile, I have already started writing lots of brief articles about relationship issues to publicize the book. I think you’ll enjoy the two most recent that I’ve posted. Check them out and leave a comment.

She Cheated On Him: Should She Stay or Go?
Lisa cheated on her long term boyfriend when she was really drunk a… http://t.co/CbmWMsdi

Alcohol Abuse: What Will Help? Kirsten wants advice because she Is tired of the “stupid crap” she’s been puttin… http://t.co/vbZpVBdb

Only you know what you should do this year. No matter what it is, I suggest you include figuring out what makes you feel best about yourself and about other people and doing as much of it as you can.

By the way, if you live in the Denver area come to the free introductory program on Logosynthesis Jonathan and I are offering at People House in Denver on January 25^th at 6:30 pm. Let me know at laurieweiss@empowermentsystems.com if you would like to attend. And please share this information with anyone who might be interested.

I’m taking a few minutes to write this to let you know about an interview that’s being published today.

If you are thinking about writing a book or wondering about what goes into publishing a book, you’ll especially enjoy this print (not audio) interview that is featured at http://selfpublishingexperts.com

I dictated the answers to the questions about writing and publishing that Lisa Schultz sent me into my wonderful voice-recognition Dragon software. She posts them on her website for you to see. Since I have written 5 books and only one is independently published, my answers are pretty far ranging.

I have been organizing the responses to my question, "What do you wish you had known before getting married?" for book #6. Some are profound and I am looking forward to organizing and writing 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do.

We’re enjoying the gorgeous scenery. The most exciting thing we’ve managed to do is visit the rustic and wonderful Strawberry Hot Springs and soaked in 4 different hot pools. Jonathan tried the ice cold one fed by melting snow too. Not me! I like my comfort.

Did you ever get an A+ on a paper in school? Did you bring it home and proudly show it off? Did you save it for a long time? It was fun, wasn’t it?

My 10-year-old grandson, R, called me on Skype the other day to delightedly show off his first place team ribbon in a math tournament. Of course I was thrilled and excited with him.

So will you help me celebrate something that happened a long time ago and is happening again?

I’ve had my books favorably reviewed many times, but once, the reviewer raved about the book and said it was absolutely wonderful! I felt like I received an A+. 

 I Don’t Need Therapy … But Where Do I Turn for Answers? did well and sold about 10,000 copies, but it has been out of print for years. Now I can share both the book and the review again. I’ve included part of the review as a preface for the new edition.

So, if you have a Kindle or a Kindle App on your device or computer — or if you have some other Ebook reader or app, you can actually get it again NOW.

Wow, not too long ago that sentence would have been gibberish to me! I love the miracles of technology even if they sometimes drive me crazy.

Usually Jonathan does all of the technical heavy lifting and I just get to enjoy the results but this time I wanted to do it (at least partly) by myself — and I did. I am so proud of myself!

Please go check it out now. Kindle is at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004P1IYIU and to sample or purchase I Don’t Need Therapy ,.. but Where, Do I Turn for Answers? in all formats (including Kindle) go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/43645  (On Amazon.com, you need to scroll down the page to read the description.)

By the way, I just discovered http://www.Smashwords.com and it is an amazing resource.

Not only am I excited about being able to make this book available again, I am excited about all of the other possibilities this format opens up. I can make parts of my other books available there too. More than enough to keep me busy for a very long time.

And I’ll let you in on my secret:  I am about to sign a contract to write another book!

Laurie

Let me explain. During the holidays I encountered Chip and Dan Heath’s marvelous book, "Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard." They use rider and elephant as metaphors for your logical and comfort seeking parts that often operate by trying to go in different directions.

In Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, my Parent and Adult ego states want to be productive and my Child ego state would rather curl up and read a good book. Visualizing my elephant is less precise but more fun. Especially since I have ridden two different living elephants in my adult life and have pictures to prove it.

I digress. This is supposed to be about the promise of a new year. I do hope that yours has started wonderfully well. Mine has. We spent the holidays with all of our children (2) and grandchildren (5) gathered in Lake Charles, Louisiana.

It’s been hard to recreate my home life after being away for 43 of 81 days.

Each of our 5 different trips was wonderful in its own way. However, a side effect seems to be that my elephant has forgotten how much she truly enjoys connecting with you this way.

"Switch" is well worth reading. It is filled with strategies for facilitating change – mostly in work situations – that include helping our elephants feel safe and comfortable enough to allow their riders to guide them in productive directions. 

Just incidentally, it makes it very obvious why elephants undermine New Year’s resolutions so effectively.

Our new tools for helping people make rather amazing changes seem to be connected to calming the elephant about things that make it uncomfortable and resistant to change. We continue to be amazed at how gentle and effective Logosynthesis is proving to be.

So far our own changes are holding firm. I managed air travel delays and discomforts without any particular stress and have come through the entire experience weighing the same as when I started – without even thinking about it. We have helped others resolve overwhelming stress, stage fright, traffic terrors, balance issues, seasickness, talking to authority figures, quieting critical internal voices, living with the stress of remodeling, feelings about historic parental neglect, cold symptoms (but not the cold itself), sleep disturbances, humiliation, etc.

It’s not that we couldn’t help with a lot of this before – we could. But it took a long time and a lot of energy. This is much quicker and easier.

Logosynthesis has become a regular part of our coaching, consulting and therapy practices. As you know we work with people if a variety of ways – in person, by phone and by Skype.

We are thinking about offering some coaching groups where we can demonstrate the process by working with individual issues. Witnesses seem to get great value just from observing the process. So if you would like some help yourself or know someone who would, please let us know. Just email laurieweiss@empowermentsystems.com or phone the office at (303)794-5379(US). We are excited about our new ability to help in this way.

(See the previous post. to catch up on the story)

 What questions am I stimulating for you? Please share them here.

1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?

I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.

My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…

I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.

My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.

* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.

In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.

This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.

I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.

That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.

I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.

You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.

More about Laurie Weiss

“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

My wonderful time walking with Jonathan in the warm sunshine (2 days before the snow) in Waterton Canyon last Sunday made the difference.

As we walked I found myself thinking I had not seen any Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep there for quite some time.  I dismissed the thought and
enjoyed the subtle fall colors. We found a picnic spot near the river.

Suddenly, six of those beautiful creatures passed within eight feet of us on their way to the river. A disgruntled fisherman tried to shoo them
downstream but instead the does and fawns splashed across the stream (scaring the fish, I guess) and then stopped to graze — completely unfazed by the people watching them from less than 20 feet away.

Delighted with our luck walking back down the canyon we spied a knot of fellow walkers staring across the river.  Someone whispered, “There are about 20 of them!”  Sure enough, the huge herd was just across the stream and scattered along the mountainside – this time accompanied by some really big rams.

As we watched, four of the does decided the grazing on our side of the shallow river was better and came splashing across, settling about
four feet away from us. We didn’t have a camera – but others were clicking like crazy.

We finally walked on, only to spot four other Rams silhouetted against the sky on the top of the canyon wall.  Awesome!  Thirty in one day!

What a blessing to add to the past few weeks of blessings.

Visiting our daughter’s family just outside of Paris was nearly perfect.  This time, we got to explore as well as visit and take care of the boys
while their parents enjoyed a much-needed weeklong vacation in London.

Three highlights:

* Walking the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral.

* Attending R’s 9th birthday party and watching the children literally zip through the trees on an amazing ropes course.

* Celebrating my 70th birthday with dinner at the Eiffel Tower!  Starting with champagne and ending with chocolate!  What could be better?

The pictures are here http://cli.gs/76Rume
I feel truly blessed!
Remember, you never know where your next blessing will come from!

1. Pillow to pillow 24.5 hours awake, 23 hours travel time. Now, after 8 hours sleep thinking about food and suitcases. about 10 hours ago from web
2. Downloading my email in the Philadelphia airport after a pleasant 8.5 hr flight from Barcelona.3:11 PM Apr 24th from web
3. Starting to transition to my other life. Wonderful day at the pool with my grandsons. Sad that this time with them is over. Leave early AM.2:52 PM Apr 23rd from web
4. Reading: “Become a Blogging Maniac » Week 2″ (http://twitthis.com/anl8de )2:45 PM Apr 23rd from TwitThis
5. “Rhinoceroses can kill things. They have smelly breath that is poison.” A (age 4 1/2) to E (age 3)1:35 AM Apr 22nd from web
6. Getting ready for bed after a glorious day of sightseeing on the Mediterranean coast of Spain­only 2 more days to enjoy this vacation.3:17 PM Apr 21st from web
7. It’s hard to remember all of who I am when I’m mostly “Grandma” so I posted 4Things Meme on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/ch9qgd 12:13 PM Apr 20th from web
8. “…increasingly, individuals are turning to coaches for help with every sort of problem.” – Boston Globe http://tinyurl.com/cytpjv 11:08 AM Apr 20th from web
9. Funny to know it’s only 3pm at home and bedtime here. I can scarcely keep my eyes open after an afternoon exploring a medieval town.3:03 PM Apr 19th from web
10. Wow! Finally frist Begur album, grandchildren on and off beaches and 3 of Dali Museum http://tinyurl.com/c6rk48 3:21 PM Apr 18th from web
11. Too tired to remember how to upload photos of the Dali museum to Facebook. I’ll try again tomorrow.2:46 PM Apr 17th from web
12. “The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.” Joseph Jobert http://www.RelationshipHQ.c… 2:29 PM Apr 17th from web
13. Just enjoyed a private class with my Paris based, Jazzercise instructor daughter, Rachel Claret. http://momzen.blogspot.com/ 3:58 AM Apr 17th from web
14. Remembering Barcelona fishmarket: Fierce Fishmonger video http://tinyurl.com/c3v2cp 12:35 PM Apr 16th from web
15. Waiting for the interminable cycle of the Spanish washing machine to complete itself so we can hang the clothes and take boys to the beach.2:41 AM Apr 16th from web
16. More photos from Barcelona on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/c5vaj8 9:58 AM Apr 15th from web
17. People who learn to ask for what they want experience less stress and more joy. Thomas Leonard http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 1:36 AM Apr 15th from web
18. Question of the morning­how far from Paris to Hong Kong, Paris to Denver, Denver to Hong Kong. Thank you Wikipedia.1:05 AM Apr 15th from web
19. Starting the day cuddling 4 year old grandson. What a treat. Followed by 8 year old and 10 year old. Checking distances around the world.1:04 AM Apr 15th from web
20. Are you a coach looking for a “bigger game to play?” Learn how to take it up a notch here:http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 7:04 AM Apr 14th from web
21. Coffee in the square, fresh warm baguette and great cheese.Looking at the ocean while littlest grandchildren nap. Vacation is great.6:34 AM Apr 14th from web
22. @THetherington Lots of women find baldness sexy. Divorce is about other things. http://www.RelationshipHQ.com 12:50 AM Apr 14th from web
23. Here is where Jonathan and I am today http://tinyurl.com/chkgfl complete with 4 grandsons and their parents.4:28 AM Apr 13th from web
24. Barcelona photos: http://tinyurl.com/cdee4c 12:42 PM Apr 12th from web
25. RT @brad_callen has a cool, new FREE tool to massively increase the number of Twitter followers you have! http://www.twiveaway.com 11:05 AM Apr 12th from web
26. Sitting overlooking the ocean on a cold, rainy evening in Begur–North of Barcelona–Waiting for family to arrive–cozy, beautiful music.11:02 AM Apr 12th from web
27. Getting ready to leave Barcelona and drive to Begur. Today is cold and damp and shops are closed for Easter–a good time to travel.2:32 AM Apr 12th from web
28. Parc Geull http://tinyurl.com/c93r5y beyond belief!4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
29. Rejoicing! After 60 hrs we have all our bags in showery Barcelona. Parc Guell highlight of the day.4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
30. Enjoying gorgeous, cosmopolitan Barcelona­1 bag of 4 arrived­3 went to Madrid?? US Air only only gives info 5 hrs/day.2:21 PM Apr 9th from web
31. Miro Museum, Teleferic up (gondala)deMontjuric (Barcelona hill), tour bus, incredible! I’m exhausted…happy 2:14 PM Apr 9th from web
32. Joined my daughter’s family for part of Seder in Paris via Skype from Barcelona. Who needs luggage) http//:www.momzen.blogspot.com 2:22 PM Apr 8th from web
33. Amazing! Sagrada Familia Cathedral started in 19th century, partially finished in 21st. http://tinyurl.com/2gxmnu 2:13 PM Apr 8th from web
34. We’re in Barcelona and our luggage is in Baltimore. Everyone except US Air is friendly and helpful.6:01 AM Apr 8th from web
35. United Air Lines still has Xmas music on their classical channel­inviting me to get into the holiday spirit.5:59 AM Apr 8th from web
36. Organizing my life for 19 days of travel. Tomorrow is packing day. Tonight is spreading everything everywhere. Time to clear off the bed.9:59 PM Apr 5th from web

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956. [tags]Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Help, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]

Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks

It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.

I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc

You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!

Warmly,

Laurie

PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.

PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss