1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?

I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.

My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…

I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.

My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.

* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.

In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.

This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.

I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.

That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.

I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.

You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.

More about Laurie Weiss

My daughter sent a note saying if I was going to talk about getting organized I should tell you about NAPO, The National Association of Professional Organizers. There is an organizer search function to find help with your organizing needs. 

Enjoy!

Dr. Joe Rubino is one of the world’s foremost experts on the topic of Self-Esteem and best-selling author of The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life. He
has put together an awesome list of free bonuses to reward those who purchase his life-changing Self-Esteem ystem.  

He’s also offering you a free insightful audio called 7 Steps to Soaring Self-Esteem and a complimentary 1-year membership in The Success Achievers’ Club ($129 value) just for checking it out. See http://cli.gs/V8WdP2.  

Learn how you can help raise the consciousness of the planet by elevating your own self-esteem or the self-esteem level of those you love. Pick up your Audio and Club Membership for free at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2. 

Let me tell you a little about this life-enhancing Self-Esteem System. It’s being called the most comprehensive guide to simply and almost effortlessly raise anyone’s level of self-esteem. I’m confident that you will find this 3 part program to benefit everyone — from those with deficiencies in particular areas to those with more pervasive self-esteem challenges. 

The Self-Esteem System will support you to: 

1. Heal and Complete Your Past; 
2. Properly Assess Your Present Situation to Determine What’s Working Optimally and What’s Missing in Each of the 6 Areas of Your Life; 
3. Design a Compelling Future that Honors Your Most Important Values and Champions You in Manifesting Your Gifts and Living Your Life Purpose.

To claim your free bonuses, check out Dr. Joe’s life-changing work now at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2. 

You’ll automatically receive an email with all the information needed to claim all your complimentary gifts. 

Remember… to receive your $10,000 + in free bonuses, you must order any package at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2 before this special offer expires. 

Remember The Self-Esteem System also makes a perfect gift!

“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

By the time we finished we had a car trunk full of items to deliver to a donation center, several huge boxes of papers to recycle, a pile of trash and many miscellaneous items related to the obsolete technology of developing film in a darkroom.

Some of the choices were easy to make. We asked questions like,

• Do you need this?  
• Will you miss it if you never see it again?  
• What on earth is this?  
• Can somebody else use this?” 

Other choices were more difficult.

Photography was a hobby shared by my husband and my dad, who bequeathed his (then ancient) darkroom equipment to us over 40 years ago. A few pieces have sentimental value. I remember using them while helping my father in his darkroom when I was a child. Yet they have no place in my life now. We haven’t decided how to dispose of those things yet.

A question we didn’t ask is why many of the things we saved for so many years were important in the first place. Why did we save them?

I think I saved most things because I expected to use them again. Then I didn’t, and it took more time to make decisions about disposing of them than it did to just let them accumulate. That’s my style. I’m not proud of it. I have a computer full of files that could be pruned — but they’re even less visible than what was in the storeroom. 

How about you? Would you feel better if you released some of the things you intended to use again? Or is it better to just keep moving forward and leave the clutter hidden away until you are moved to address it?

I don’t have an answer for you. What I suggest is to make a choice and relax. What we did do makes me feel lighter as we move into the busyness of the holiday season. And I’m not worrying at all about what I haven’t done yet. 

I wish you and the people you love a joyful and relaxed holiday season.

Also — If you are having trouble dealing with the holidays, watch for a blog post in a few days. My colleague, Dr. Joe Rubino,
created a free 45-minute audio recording called 7 Steps to Soaring Self-Esteem. You can claim it now at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2 if you like, or wait  for the post that explains it in more detail. 
It’ll be a great way for you to start the New Year.

Me: So you didn’t live up to your ideals.

Client: That’s right.

Me: Do you think most people live up to their ideals?

Client: I guess they don’t.

Me: Most of us develop our ideals long before we encounter reality.

Client: Hmmmmm

More about Laurie Weiss

1. Pillow to pillow 24.5 hours awake, 23 hours travel time. Now, after 8 hours sleep thinking about food and suitcases. about 10 hours ago from web
2. Downloading my email in the Philadelphia airport after a pleasant 8.5 hr flight from Barcelona.3:11 PM Apr 24th from web
3. Starting to transition to my other life. Wonderful day at the pool with my grandsons. Sad that this time with them is over. Leave early AM.2:52 PM Apr 23rd from web
4. Reading: “Become a Blogging Maniac » Week 2″ (http://twitthis.com/anl8de )2:45 PM Apr 23rd from TwitThis
5. “Rhinoceroses can kill things. They have smelly breath that is poison.” A (age 4 1/2) to E (age 3)1:35 AM Apr 22nd from web
6. Getting ready for bed after a glorious day of sightseeing on the Mediterranean coast of Spain­only 2 more days to enjoy this vacation.3:17 PM Apr 21st from web
7. It’s hard to remember all of who I am when I’m mostly “Grandma” so I posted 4Things Meme on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/ch9qgd 12:13 PM Apr 20th from web
8. “…increasingly, individuals are turning to coaches for help with every sort of problem.” – Boston Globe http://tinyurl.com/cytpjv 11:08 AM Apr 20th from web
9. Funny to know it’s only 3pm at home and bedtime here. I can scarcely keep my eyes open after an afternoon exploring a medieval town.3:03 PM Apr 19th from web
10. Wow! Finally frist Begur album, grandchildren on and off beaches and 3 of Dali Museum http://tinyurl.com/c6rk48 3:21 PM Apr 18th from web
11. Too tired to remember how to upload photos of the Dali museum to Facebook. I’ll try again tomorrow.2:46 PM Apr 17th from web
12. “The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.” Joseph Jobert http://www.RelationshipHQ.c… 2:29 PM Apr 17th from web
13. Just enjoyed a private class with my Paris based, Jazzercise instructor daughter, Rachel Claret. http://momzen.blogspot.com/ 3:58 AM Apr 17th from web
14. Remembering Barcelona fishmarket: Fierce Fishmonger video http://tinyurl.com/c3v2cp 12:35 PM Apr 16th from web
15. Waiting for the interminable cycle of the Spanish washing machine to complete itself so we can hang the clothes and take boys to the beach.2:41 AM Apr 16th from web
16. More photos from Barcelona on Facebook http://tinyurl.com/c5vaj8 9:58 AM Apr 15th from web
17. People who learn to ask for what they want experience less stress and more joy. Thomas Leonard http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 1:36 AM Apr 15th from web
18. Question of the morning­how far from Paris to Hong Kong, Paris to Denver, Denver to Hong Kong. Thank you Wikipedia.1:05 AM Apr 15th from web
19. Starting the day cuddling 4 year old grandson. What a treat. Followed by 8 year old and 10 year old. Checking distances around the world.1:04 AM Apr 15th from web
20. Are you a coach looking for a “bigger game to play?” Learn how to take it up a notch here:http://tinyurl.com/c5geye 7:04 AM Apr 14th from web
21. Coffee in the square, fresh warm baguette and great cheese.Looking at the ocean while littlest grandchildren nap. Vacation is great.6:34 AM Apr 14th from web
22. @THetherington Lots of women find baldness sexy. Divorce is about other things. http://www.RelationshipHQ.com 12:50 AM Apr 14th from web
23. Here is where Jonathan and I am today http://tinyurl.com/chkgfl complete with 4 grandsons and their parents.4:28 AM Apr 13th from web
24. Barcelona photos: http://tinyurl.com/cdee4c 12:42 PM Apr 12th from web
25. RT @brad_callen has a cool, new FREE tool to massively increase the number of Twitter followers you have! http://www.twiveaway.com 11:05 AM Apr 12th from web
26. Sitting overlooking the ocean on a cold, rainy evening in Begur–North of Barcelona–Waiting for family to arrive–cozy, beautiful music.11:02 AM Apr 12th from web
27. Getting ready to leave Barcelona and drive to Begur. Today is cold and damp and shops are closed for Easter–a good time to travel.2:32 AM Apr 12th from web
28. Parc Geull http://tinyurl.com/c93r5y beyond belief!4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
29. Rejoicing! After 60 hrs we have all our bags in showery Barcelona. Parc Guell highlight of the day.4:05 PM Apr 10th from web
30. Enjoying gorgeous, cosmopolitan Barcelona­1 bag of 4 arrived­3 went to Madrid?? US Air only only gives info 5 hrs/day.2:21 PM Apr 9th from web
31. Miro Museum, Teleferic up (gondala)deMontjuric (Barcelona hill), tour bus, incredible! I’m exhausted…happy 2:14 PM Apr 9th from web
32. Joined my daughter’s family for part of Seder in Paris via Skype from Barcelona. Who needs luggage) http//:www.momzen.blogspot.com 2:22 PM Apr 8th from web
33. Amazing! Sagrada Familia Cathedral started in 19th century, partially finished in 21st. http://tinyurl.com/2gxmnu 2:13 PM Apr 8th from web
34. We’re in Barcelona and our luggage is in Baltimore. Everyone except US Air is friendly and helpful.6:01 AM Apr 8th from web
35. United Air Lines still has Xmas music on their classical channel­inviting me to get into the holiday spirit.5:59 AM Apr 8th from web
36. Organizing my life for 19 days of travel. Tomorrow is packing day. Tonight is spreading everything everywhere. Time to clear off the bed.9:59 PM Apr 5th from web

Those words, invented by Eric Berne, are the best description I know of the situation when finishing one task and preparing to start another run into each other.

Yesterday morning I woke up in Spain and here I am 38 hours later, home in Colorado. I haven’t opened my suitcase and that’s something I need to do today.

• I also need to unpack the suitcase,
• fill the empty refrigerator,
• sort almost 3 weeks worth of mail,
• do the laundry,
• sort out the messages I need to respond to
• and prepare to leave again in a week for the Conversations Among Masters
  conference.

Right now my befuddled brain can’t remember where the conference is. I know it’s somewhere in the Midwest. Jetlag is normal for me under these circumstances. What I would ordinarily do is wander around the house going from one task to another without making choices since they all need to be done.

Writing is an experiment to see if thinking a little bit will help make anything easier. Since Jonathan is in the same boat, I don’t really know if this can go out soon, but that’s OK.

I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s wonderful book, “A Thousand Names For Joy.” It contains her comments on her husband, Stephen Mitchell’s translation of the “Tao Te Ching.” The repeated emphasis of her acceptance of the world exactly as it is inspires me and I would love to get through this day completely accepting my own disorganization.

I’ve put my four-year-old grandson’s birthday card to his grandpa, laboriously printed on bright yellow construction paper, in a prominent place to remind me of the joy of the last two weeks. Now it’s time to get on with this part of my life.

If I can figure out how, I’ll move the Twitter posts on to this blog so you and I can both learn about journaling the trip using social media. This is pretty new to me but one thing I did do was more than quadruple the size of my Twitter list during my trip.

This is the first time I’ve had unlimited access to the Internet while traveling. It made the experience different. I think I like it.

More about Laurie Weiss

]]> http://idontneedtherapy.com/blog/2009/04/beware-of-the-reachback-and-afterburn/feed/ 0 http://idontneedtherapy.com/blog/2009/04/the-daffodil-principle/ http://idontneedtherapy.com/blog/2009/04/the-daffodil-principle/#comments Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:07:58 +0000 Laurie Weiss http://www.i-dont-need-therapy-but-where-do-i-turn-for-answers.com/blog/?p=144 I don’t know who created this beautiful power point presentation. I wish I could thank and credit it’s creator. The story of "The Daffodil Principle" originally appeared nearly ten years ago in Jaroldeen Edwards’ book Celebration!

It spoke to me because long ago Jonathan and I were waiting until we had more money, until he finished his Ph.D., until we could move, until… Then we decided to stop waiting and start living. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. http://tinyurl.com/dhdq3p This link will take you to a dialog box offering to let you open or download the file. You will need Power Point in order to view it, either online or on your own computer. More about Laurie Weiss