Ann and Ron were proud of their trouble-free relationship. “We don’t fight, we talk to each other. We get things settled. We’re reasonable people and forgive and forget the insignificant things like squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, forgetting to leave a minor message, getting the wrong kind of breakfast cereal, and stuff like that.”

The problem is that Ann and most of the rest of us don’t really forgive and we don’t really forget. We store up so many little frustrations because we decide they’re so unimportant that nothing needs to be done about them.

We may believe that nothing can be done, so we do nothing. Finally our irritation expresses itself by feeling turned off. We don’t take responsibility for expressing our irritation and asking firmly for what we want. We just lose interest and sometimes even go away.

Ann decided to start being honest with herself. She listed all of the irritations at Ron that she could think of. For each item on her list she completed the sentence, “I wanted _______ , and if I had gotten it I wouldn’t still feel angry (hurt, frustrated, resentful.)” When she looked over her list she discovered that she most wanted Ron to keep the agreements he had made with her.

When she finally shared her frustration about the broken agreements Ron took extra care to make sure to keep up his end of things. Their sex life improved dramatically.

[tags]self-improvement, personal growth, self-help, emotional problems, relationship, sex[/tags]

More and more people recovering from addictions and compulsive behavior are beginning to uncover evidence of childhood sexual abuse. Experiencing these memories can be devastating.

Sexual abuse, like other emotional and physical abuse in childhood, can be healed — and can be safely brought to awareness for healing. As the survivor of sexual abuse reaches the time when she/he is ready to face the past, s/he begins to uncover some of the following concerns, fears, feelings:

• Maybe I am making it up. I am not even sure it happened.
• I suspect it happened —I don’t remember —I just have
  a physical reaction each time I think or hear about sexual abuse.
• It wasn’t all that bad.
• I can’t stop crying — will I ever get over this?
• I feel like I am bad/dirty. I am so ashamed.
• I want to hide/kill myself. I am mad enough to kill them.
• I can’t believe s/he would do a thing that bad.
• I feel like everyone knows I am no good.
• I hate him/her.
• I know s/he couldn’t help it; s/he was hurt, too.
• Why didn’t my mother/father protect me?
• I do not want to remember.
• I have never told anyone before.

As the survivor begins to be able to say these things to a trusted person , s/he needs to hear that trusted person saying:

• I’m sorry it happened.
• I believe you.
• It is very important to be able to tell now.
• If I had been there I would have made him/her stop.
• Even if you enjoyed part of it, you are not wrong or bad.
• You have a right to be angry.
• He/she should not have done what they did to you.
• I am sorry no one believed you.
• I am sorry you did not have a grownup to talk to
  about what happened.
• Knowing this makes me care more about you, not less.
• It is OK not to remember everything. You forgot in order
  to protect yourself. The memories will only come back
  as you grow strong enough to handle them. Take your time.
• It’s OK to cry for as long as you need to.
• You really were not big/strong enough to make him/her stop.

Go out and look at a little child, or picture yourself as a child. See how little and vulnerable you were. You couldn’t help it. It is not your fault. It is not your job to protect the person who did this to you.

You need to know you are not alone in your experience. An estimated 34 million women in the United States have been victims of some type of childhood sexual abuse. The figures are less certain for men.

You have taken a first important step by getting your concerns into the open with someone you trust to care for you. You are laying the groundwork for a whole new future for yourself and for those you love.

Marcella grew up in a family where she learned to believe that she had the power to make another person feel good or feel bad. Her parents frequently told her, “You hurt my feelings, you make me so mad, you’re driving me crazy.” She learned to be especially careful about everything she thought or said in order to avoid “causing” others to feel bad. This common but false belief was paralyzing her.

Although we each have instant feeling responses to what others say or do, we can learn to choose whether to dwell on or let go of those feelings. We can think about our first response and modify it. We may choose to feel hurt by the words and actions of others or to respond in another way. Others may create the situations that we react to but we each ultimately create our own responses.

Reminding herself that she had learned how to change her feelings by changing her physiological state, Marcella began to breathe deeply. After she calmed herself, she called a friend from a communications class.

Together they decided she could approach her co-worker as if he too were a responsible person and in charge of his own feelings. She also decided to be sure to communicate carefully about her own feelings and avoid provocative, blaming statements such as “If it weren’t for what you did…”

She finally told her co-worker, “I like you a lot and I don’t want anything to get in the way of the good working relationship we have. I’d prefer that we see each other only during business hours.” To Marcella’s enormous relief, he responded by accepting the boundaries she set and they continued working together.

[tags]self-improvement, personal growth, self-help, emotional problems, relationship, sex, workplace relationships[/tags]