A client who frequently loses focus in her own life when she notices that someone else is in pain or difficulty asked me if I could help her get to the state described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in the following quote.
“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.”
This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life.
She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself.
In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action.
My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.
These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.
Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing
- What do I think would be helpful?
- What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
- Do I have the resources to provide this help?
- What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
- How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
- What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
- Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
- Has the other person asked for help?
If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!
- Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
- Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
- Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Difficult Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Transactional Analysis
Do you ever feel like you’re on the verge of something new and not quite sure what it is or what to do with it?
About 14 years ago we received a website as a gift from our son who had just become a webmaster — a profession I had learned about only weeks earlier. We asked what we would do with it and he told us we would figure it out.
Of course we did figure it out, and the Empowerment Systems website is still growing strong. Not only that it seems to keep multiplying and now has several siblings. If you want to know what I’m talking about just visit http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com and explore.
But that’s not exactly what I wanted to share with you today.
When we attended the annual USATAA gathering in Jamaica a few weeks ago, I found myself in a strange time warp. I was revisiting my past and urging my friends and colleagues to move into the future.
Revisiting the past because my dear friend and first Transactional Analysis trainer, Fanita English, was part of the group. I bonded with her nearly 40 years ago when I did a really important piece of personal work as a part of my training. It literally changed my life in a wonderful way. We’ve had many different kinds of experiences together since then and finally this time we both came to understand how multidimensional our long-term friendship really is.
What an incredible treat for me!
The part about the future came in a discussion of how to revitalize the teaching of Transactional Analysis (TA) throughout the USA. The TA tools I first learned 40 years ago about how to understand, predict and change human behavior are still the basic tools I use to help my clients reach their goals.
While many parts of TA are part of the culture now like "different strokes for different folks" and "quit playing games with me", most people still don’t understand the depth and richness and utility of these tools.
I’m not currently doing any TA teaching but I’ve put links to available training programs here so you can get to them easily. My friend Felipe Garcia is teaching a two day course in San Antonio soon, and there’s an ongoing training program in Fort Worth, Texas.
Once again I got off track — there’s so much to say — the week was very rich. I’ll put up pictures soon on my Facebook page as well as on my blog. I’ll explain why in a minute.
The Jamaica Gathering uses an Open Space format. It’s not like a conference where I need to design and submit what I’m going to say months in advance. It’s a place to share creative ideas and collaborate in their development — another treat for me.
And this time I completely surprised myself. I found myself offering a program on spreading TA information through social networking. Now social networking (Think MySpace) is something as strange and new to me as a website was 14 years ago. I don’t know a lot about it and I keep wondering what I’m doing there, but I know it’s as important as my son knew the original website would be.
I’ll need to share more details about this in the article I promised to write for the USATAA newsletter and website. However, I have dipped my toes into the water. I’m active on three different networks where I am constantly discovering old and new friends in learning about new aspects of the world. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing or where I’m going but the possibilities seem endless.
If you are there too, join me. In the common language of social networking "be my friend." It’s fun, easy, potentially creative and it’s quite amazing. I’m on Facebook (my space for grown-ups), LinkedIn (a business networking site), and Twitter (share only 140 characters at one time). It’s all about quickly and frequently updating information.
Here are the addresses: Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
To join just go to the websites and follow the simple instructions. Come on in — the water’s fine. Anyone can play — it’s easy. I admit I was scared at first — you may be, too — but it’s actually fun and only takes a few minutes.
BTW, The Masters Gathering is still offering lots of fabulous free information. Here is a link to an hour long podcast with the leading recognized raw foodist and super nutritionist David Wolfe, and Dr. Alex Loyd of the "Healing Codes." http://www.themastersgathering.com/LoydWolfe/?10728 Just click the link and listen to it right on your computer. ALSO: Did you know that if someone steals the Exit sign on their way off your plane it can delay your departure for 5 hours?
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Self-Improvement, Transactional Analysis
Mark your calendar now. I will be interviewed about relationships on Barbara Dixon’s Blog Talk
Radio Spirit Speaks Show at 10 am ET, Monday, March 16th.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks
It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.
I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc
You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!
Warmly,
Laurie
PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.
PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Today’s newspaper was filled with the usual stories of random and senseless acts of violence. Stories of kind and beautiful actions don’t sell very well. But I still wear my old sweatshirt that proclaims, “Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.”
Years ago a colleague of mine, Claude Steiner, wrote a fairy tale about Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies. Warm Fuzzies make people feel good; Cold Pricklies make people feel bad.
The story pointed out that as long as we believe we have an abundant supply of Warm Fuzzies, Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
* Lois blew her New Year‘s resolution to lose weight three days after she made it.
* Marty got all of his phone calls returned the first week of the new year — then settled back into his old pattern of waiting for the caller to try again.
* Jerri used her new filing system for almost a month. Her desk stayed clean, and she was thrilled. One day she was in a hurry and piled up a few things, and in a week her stack was as big as ever.
One reason why it is so hard to establish new habits is Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
This time it’s going to be different, thought Rosalie, as she drove toward her mother’s home. This time I’m not going to get caught in her manipulations. She carefully reviewed her planned strategies, struggling not to let her anger cloud her thinking. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Elizabeth reported to her support group that she had noticed her new friend expected her to only do what he felt like doing. She proudly announced that she had asked him to do what she wanted to do instead of automatically following his lead. They negotiated successfully, and had a wonderful time together.
She then confessed, “Sometimes I feel so afraid I am going to turn back into the scared little girl I used to be. I’m afraid the positive changes I’ve made in my life will disappear and I’m afraid that dwelling on my fear will cause something bad to happen.”
Others in her support group admitted to similar fears. They too worried about whether their positive changes would remain in times of stress. They discussed the difference between the changes they had made that seemed stable and lasting and those that were short lived — like their New Year’s resolutions, forgotten by January 15.
Their New Year’s resolutions were generally based on a promise to do better because they thought they should (Adapted Child), while their true selves (Natural Child), really didn’t want to go to the trouble of doing something different. They noticed too, that changes that seemed stable had the agreement of all parts of themselves. Their Parent(s) thought it was the right thing to do, their Child ego state wanted the result, and their Adult(s) knew the change was possible and how to accomplish it.
Elizabeth examined her change by asking herself;
- Parent: Do I think this is right for me? (Yes, it keeps me out of painful, addictive relationships.)
- Child: Do I want the result (Yes, I like to get to do the things I want to do.)
- Adult: Do you know how to manage this change? (Yes, I can be alert to every invitation to consider someone else’s desires instead of my own — both are really important to me.)
She felt reassured that her change was probably stable.
Members of her support group also reminded Elizabeth that although children believe that thinking about bad things may cause something bad to happen, it isn’t really true. It is a myth that thoughts are dangerous; thoughts, like feelings, are neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are.
They discussed how thoughts and feelings don’t affect anything that goes on outside yourself unless you express or act on them in some way. Focusing on negative thoughts can bring negative results, but only by influencing your behavior. They all agreed that it is necessary to say something or perform some action, (or withhold some action) in order to have an impact on the world.
Elizabeth was greatly relieved that she had confessed her fears. Examining the problem helped to build the firm foundation she desired instead of precipitating the things she feared.
[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]
written by Laurie Weiss
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a set of tools for understanding people and their relationships; this article continues our series on key TA concepts.
Most of the key elements of Transactional Analysis theory (Ego States, Strokes, Transactions, and Games) can easily be observed by anyone who is paying attention to what people say and do. The question of why people do what they do in the first place led Eric Berne to the concept of the Life Script.
It was Berne’s belief that every child creates an answer to the fundamental questions:
- Who am I?
- Who are all these others?
- What am I here for?
Children answer these questions by using a process of making decisions based on experiences.
These decisions lead to a relatively consistent, usually self-perpetuating “story” about one’s life. Berne’s most complete definition of the Life Script, in What Do You Say After You Say Hello, is “a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by the parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating in a chosen alternative.”
The idea of a small child making a decision that shapes the rest of his or her life may not be easy to believe, but therapists frequently hear clients say things like “I decided that I had to always be very good so people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me and go away,” or “I decided never to let anyone get close to me again.” It is not at all unusual for a child to respond to abuse or neglect by concluding that they are somehow to blame for it.
The general process of script formation begins when the child’s caretakers react to the child’s natural behavior with excessive anger, fear, shaming, ridiculing, upset or withdrawal. Berne labeled these parental responses “injunctions,” emphasizing that they were messages that tell the child what not to do — often without actually saying the words out loud.
Typical injunctions that have been identified are: Don’t Be; Don’t Grow Up; Don’t Be a Child; Don’t Feel; Don’t Think; Don’t Be a Boy/Girl; and Don’t Succeed. Injunctions are usually accompanied by explicit verbal messages that tell the child what s\he should do: Be Good; Work Hard; Please Others; Struggle, etc.
In response to the implied threat in the injunctions (“I won’t take care of you if you keep doing that”), the child learns to suppress his natural behavior. In effect, the child “decides” to discount that part of himself and to remove it from his answer to “Who Am I?”
As the child grows, s\he finds role models, myths and stories to use to create some kind of plan based on his early decisions; this plan leads to a “Life Course” which is a somewhat predictable, often dramatic series of events designed to fulfill the script requirements.
The Life Course often involves “casting” others to play certain roles (The Rejecting Female, The Critical Boss, etc.).
Script decisions put artificial limitations on the person’s natural attempts to get his needs met; as a result, the decisions always lead to behaviors that reinforce the original choice. For example, a boy who decides not to get close to women (mothers) because they hurt him, still has a part of himself that needs closeness; as an adult, he handles this internal conflict by getting close to women, but he consistently attracts the kind of woman who is likely to be hurtful.
When he later gets hurt or betrayed, he can reinforce his original decision, saying to himself “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her; women are all alike!” He then remains isolated for a while, until his need for closeness arises again, and he repeats the script pattern.
Since Life Scripts are based on decisions, they can be changed. The process involves recognizing the theme being carried out by repetitive patterns, looking for the original decisions that created those patterns, and making new decisions.
It is important to understand that this is not an intellectual process. Script decisions are made by a child in distress and pain, and they are not going to be given up simply by saying the words. It is necessary to be in contact with that Inner Child, to nurture and understand and be responsive to her, and to help her make new decisions based on the availability of a genuine caretaker — you.
[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis [/tags]
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For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA).
There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.
written by Laurie Weiss
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a set of tools for understanding people and their relationships; this article continues our series on key TA concepts.
When Eric Berne published Games People Play in 1964, Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
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