And like the weebles* in action I seem to tip first in one direction and then another, grounded but always seeming about to go too far.

Yes, I want my grandchildren to visit — of course I do — they light up my life. And when they are here I get way behind on my other chosen tasks. Right now my email inbox reads 280. Before they came it was down to 70.

“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

About 14 years ago we received a website as a gift from our son who had just become a webmaster — a profession I had learned about only weeks earlier. We asked what we would do with it and he told us we would figure it out.

Of course we did figure it out, and the Empowerment Systems website is still growing strong. Not only that it seems to keep multiplying and now has several siblings. If you want to know what I’m talking about just visit http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com and explore.

But that’s not exactly what I wanted to share with you today.

When we attended the annual USATAA gathering in Jamaica a few weeks ago, I found myself in a strange time warp. I was revisiting my past and urging my friends and colleagues to move into the future.

Revisiting the past because my dear friend and first Transactional Analysis trainer, Fanita English, was part of the group. I bonded with her nearly 40 years ago when I did a really important piece of personal work as a part of my training. It literally changed my life in a wonderful way. We’ve had many different kinds of experiences together since then and finally this time we both came to understand how multidimensional our long-term friendship really is.

What an incredible treat for me!

The part about the future came in a discussion of how to revitalize the teaching of Transactional Analysis (TA) throughout the USA. The TA tools I first learned 40 years ago about how to understand, predict and change human behavior are still the basic tools I use to help my clients reach their goals.

While many parts of TA are part of the culture now like "different strokes for different folks" and "quit playing games with me", most people still don’t understand the depth and richness and utility of these tools.

I’m not currently doing any TA teaching but I’ve put links to available training programs here so you can get to them easily. My friend Felipe Garcia is teaching a two day course in San Antonio soon, and there’s an ongoing training program in Fort Worth, Texas.

Once again I got off track — there’s so much to say — the week was very rich. I’ll put up pictures soon on my Facebook page as well as on my blog. I’ll explain why in a minute.

The Jamaica Gathering uses an Open Space format. It’s not like a conference where I need to design and submit what I’m going to say months in advance. It’s a place to share creative ideas and collaborate in their development — another treat for me.

And this time I completely surprised myself. I found myself offering a program on spreading TA information through social networking. Now social networking (Think MySpace) is something as strange and new to me as a website was 14 years ago. I don’t know a lot about it and I keep wondering what I’m doing there, but I know it’s as important as my son knew the original website would be.

I’ll need to share more details about this  in the article I promised to write for the USATAA newsletter and website. However, I have dipped my toes into the water. I’m active on three different networks where I am constantly discovering old and new friends in learning about new aspects of the world. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing or where I’m going but the possibilities seem endless.

If you are there too, join me. In the common language of social networking "be my friend." It’s fun, easy, potentially creative and it’s quite amazing. I’m on Facebook (my space for grown-ups), LinkedIn (a business networking site), and Twitter (share only 140 characters at one time). It’s all about quickly and frequently updating information.

Here are the addresses: Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

To join just go to the websites and follow the simple instructions. Come on in — the water’s fine. Anyone can play — it’s easy. I admit I was scared at first — you may be, too — but it’s actually fun and only takes a few minutes.

BTW, The Masters Gathering is still offering lots of fabulous free information. Here is a link to an hour long podcast with the leading recognized raw foodist and super nutritionist David Wolfe, and Dr. Alex Loyd of the "Healing Codes." http://www.themastersgathering.com/LoydWolfe/?10728 Just click the link and listen to it right on your computer. ALSO: Did you know that if someone steals the Exit sign on their way off your plane it can delay your departure for 5 hours? 

Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks

It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.

I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc

You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!

Warmly,

Laurie

PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.

PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

Years ago a colleague of mine, Claude Steiner, wrote a fairy tale about Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies. Warm Fuzzies make people feel good; Cold Pricklies make people feel bad.

The story pointed out that as long as we believe we have an abundant supply of Warm Fuzzies, we share them freely. If we are tricked into believing that our supply of goodies is limited, we hoard them, and give out Cold Pricklies instead.

Steiner wanted us to realize that supplies of random kindness and senseless beauty are unlimited, and giving them away freely will not use them up.

Sadly, old habits are hard to break. Many of us are taught from childhood that only negative things are worthy of comment. Sharing and being kind is simply expected, but praising someone for doing it is discouraged, since it can lead to a “swelled head”.

If we do something “wrong,” Cold Pricklies are showered upon us to teach us never to do it again. These practices are continued at school, and in the world of work, where far more attention is available for what people do wrong than for positive behavior.

The media, of course, reinforces this practice. Far more space is allotted to negative events than to positive ones. The front sections of the newspapers are usually filled with reports of problems. Most positive feature stories (not news) appear in the later, less important, areas of the paper or at the end of the newscast.

Psychologists know that the behavior that is acknowledged is the behavior that gets repeated. WHAT YOU STROKE IS WHAT YOU GET! By acknowledging negative things with Cold Pricklies, we teach people to repeat negative behavior whenever they need attention﷓﷓and we all need attention.

Most people will seek out whatever attention is available; feeling cold and prickly is better than not feeling anything at all (up to a point).

Can practicing random acts of kindness and senseless beauty reverse this long standing trend? I’ve seen it work! The more Warm Fuzzies people receive, the more freely they tend to share their positive feelings with others. When random acts of kindness and senseless beauty are publicly acknowledged, they tend to proliferate.

Join me in a mini-campaign. Remember to both notice and create the very important little things that make a difference.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

* Marty got all of his phone calls returned the first week of the new year — then settled back into his old pattern of waiting for the caller to try again.

* Jerri used her new filing system for almost a month. Her desk stayed clean, and she was thrilled. One day she was in a hurry and piled up a few things, and in a week her stack was as big as ever.

One reason why it is so hard to establish new habits is that you usually try to do it by yourself. You get into an argument between your inner child and your inner parent. Your inner child wants the ease and comfort of familiar old patterns, and no matter how sensible the changes may be, she resists doing what she should do.

Your inner parent then enters the argument, scolding you and telling you to get on with it, producing even more resistance from your inner child. You (your inner child) make excuses to yourself (your inner parent). “Just this one cookie, I‘m really busy, I just don‘t have time, nobody else will know, etc.“ Before you know it, the good new habit is history.

If you have children (or a spouse), you know that it often takes frequent reminders to help them learn to do something differently. In fact, if it‘s a change they aren‘t really interested in making, you may be accused of nagging. If it takes support and reminders for others to change, why do you think that you can do it yourself?

Whenever you stretch yourself into a new area, there is a tendency to regress and seek comfort and support. If you allow yourself the same comfort, support and encouragement you willingly offer others, you‘ll find it much easier to sustain your changes.

Make an agreement with a friend, spouse, or coworker for mutual support. Commit to be both tough and caring with each other. It‘s all too easy to fall into the trap of being nice and accepting excuses.

If that kind of agreement is not practical, hire a professional coach to give you the support you need. A professional coach is committed to helping you set and reach your own goals, and has a variety of tools available to help you manage your natural desire to regress.

You deserve the chance to create the life you want to live in 2007. Happy New Year!

[tags]Transactional Analysis,Inner Child,Self Help, Self-Improvement,Personal Growth[/tags]

“First I need to use my Adult,” she told herself. “I need to stay rational and keep thinking about what is actually happening and respond to that instead of getting caught in her game. When she starts whining at me about how miserable her life is, and how much she depends on me to take care of her, I need to remember that her Child is inviting me to use my Parent to think about what she needs instead of about what I need. That just makes my Child so furious because she never did want to take care of me when I needed her. I wonder if I will really be able to have a rational Adult to Adult conversation with her.”

One morning, lingering over coffee, Rosalie decided that the time had come to carry out her plan. “Mom, I need to tell you about some things I’ve been learning about myself in therapy. I’m sorry I haven’t been the kind of daughter you want. I have done lots of things I’m not proud of.”

To Rosalie’s amazement her mother listened attentively to her explanations about how the different parts of her personality functioned and how she was learning to act differently. “Maybe how I approach her really does make a difference,” she thought.

Later, Rosalie asked the most difficult question. Imploring her mother to be honest, she asked if she really was an unwanted baby. Instead of the usual “of course you were wanted,” her mother told the truth.

“I was angry at you, but it wasn’t your fault. Your father was running around with other women even before you were born, and I was completely tied down, and furious with him. Then he abandoned me, and I had no money and didn’t know how to take care of us. I did the best I could. I traded sex for a place to stay and for food. Finally I had to leave you with my sister — I didn’t want to, but I thought it would be better that way. I’m sorry, I didn’t know her son would hurt you.”

With further questioning, her mother told Rosalie about growing up in an alcoholic family, and leaving as a teenager, to avoid physical and verbal abuse. They cried together and continued the conversation. The truth hurt, but it was better than the lies of the past.

Rosalie imagined herself in her mother‘s position and felt compassion for the frightened young woman her mother had been.
When she left a few days later, Rosalie realized that she was no longer angry, and that she and her mother were finally starting to become friends.
[tags]Emotional Problems, Inner Child, Parents, Personal Growth,Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement,Transactional Analysis[/tags]

She then confessed, “Sometimes I feel so afraid I am going to turn back into the scared little girl I used to be. I’m afraid the positive changes I’ve made in my life will disappear and I’m afraid that dwelling on my fear will cause something bad to happen.”

Others in her support group admitted to similar fears. They too worried about whether their positive changes would remain in times of stress. They discussed the difference between the changes they had made that seemed stable and lasting and those that were short lived — like their New Year’s resolutions, forgotten by January 15.

Their New Year’s resolutions were generally based on a promise to do better because they thought they should (Adapted Child), while their true selves (Natural Child), really didn’t want to go to the trouble of doing something different. They noticed too, that changes that seemed stable had the agreement of all parts of themselves. Their Parent(s) thought it was the right thing to do, their Child ego state wanted the result, and their Adult(s) knew the change was possible and how to accomplish it.

Elizabeth examined her change by asking herself;

• Parent: Do I think this is right for me? (Yes, it keeps me out of painful, addictive relationships.)
• Child: Do I want the result (Yes, I like to get to do the things I want to do.)
• Adult: Do you know how to manage this change? (Yes, I can be alert to every invitation to consider someone else’s desires instead of my own — both are really important to me.)

She felt reassured that her change was probably stable.

Members of her support group also reminded Elizabeth that although children believe that thinking about bad things may cause something bad to happen, it isn’t really true. It is a myth that thoughts are dangerous; thoughts, like feelings, are neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are.

They discussed how thoughts and feelings don’t affect anything that goes on outside yourself unless you express or act on them in some way. Focusing on negative thoughts can bring negative results, but only by influencing your behavior. They all agreed that it is necessary to say something or perform some action, (or withhold some action) in order to have an impact on the world.

Elizabeth was greatly relieved that she had confessed her fears. Examining the problem helped to build the firm foundation she desired instead of precipitating the things she feared.

[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

Most of the key elements of Transactional Analysis theory (Ego States, Strokes, Transactions, and Games) can easily be observed by anyone who is paying attention to what people say and do. The question of why people do what they do in the first place led Eric Berne to the concept of the Life Script.

It was Berne’s belief that every child creates an answer to the fundamental questions:

• Who am I?

• Who are all these others?
• What am I here for?

Children answer these questions by using a process of making decisions based on experiences.

These decisions lead to a relatively consistent, usually self-perpetuating “story” about one’s life. Berne’s most complete definition of the Life Script, in What Do You Say After You Say Hello, is “a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by the parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating in a chosen alternative.”

The idea of a small child making a decision that shapes the rest of his or her life may not be easy to believe, but therapists frequently hear clients say things like “I decided that I had to always be very good so people wouldn’t notice that there was something wrong with me and go away,” or “I decided never to let anyone get close to me again.” It is not at all unusual for a child to respond to abuse or neglect by concluding that they are somehow to blame for it.

The general process of script formation begins when the child’s caretakers react to the child’s natural behavior with excessive anger, fear, shaming, ridiculing, upset or withdrawal. Berne labeled these parental responses “injunctions,” emphasizing that they were messages that tell the child what not to do — often without actually saying the words out loud.

Typical injunctions that have been identified are: Don’t Be; Don’t Grow Up; Don’t Be a Child; Don’t Feel; Don’t Think; Don’t Be a Boy/Girl; and Don’t Succeed. Injunctions are usually accompanied by explicit verbal messages that tell the child what s\he should do: Be Good; Work Hard; Please Others; Struggle, etc.

In response to the implied threat in the injunctions (“I won’t take care of you if you keep doing that”), the child learns to suppress his natural behavior. In effect, the child “decides” to discount that part of himself and to remove it from his answer to “Who Am I?”

As the child grows, s\he finds role models, myths and stories to use to create some kind of plan based on his early decisions; this plan leads to a “Life Course” which is a somewhat predictable, often dramatic series of events designed to fulfill the script requirements.

The Life Course often involves “casting” others to play certain roles (The Rejecting Female, The Critical Boss, etc.).

Script decisions put artificial limitations on the person’s natural attempts to get his needs met; as a result, the decisions always lead to behaviors that reinforce the original choice. For example, a boy who decides not to get close to women (mothers) because they hurt him, still has a part of himself that needs closeness; as an adult, he handles this internal conflict by getting close to women, but he consistently attracts the kind of woman who is likely to be hurtful.

When he later gets hurt or betrayed, he can reinforce his original decision, saying to himself “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her; women are all alike!” He then remains isolated for a while, until his need for closeness arises again, and he repeats the script pattern.

Since Life Scripts are based on decisions, they can be changed. The process involves recognizing the theme being carried out by repetitive patterns, looking for the original decisions that created those patterns, and making new decisions.

It is important to understand that this is not an intellectual process. Script decisions are made by a child in distress and pain, and they are not going to be given up simply by saying the words. It is necessary to be in contact with that Inner Child, to nurture and understand and be responsive to her, and to help her make new decisions based on the availability of a genuine caretaker — you.

[tags]Personal Growth, Emotional Problems, Self Help, Self-Improvement, CoDependency, Inner Child, Relationships, Transactional Analysis [/tags]

______________________________________________________

For further information about Transactional Analysis, visit the websites for the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) and the USA Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA).

There is a major TA Conference scheduled for San Francisco in August, 2007; details HERE.