I had one of those moments while flying back from spending time at my daughter’s home in Paris. I didn’t do a lick of professional reading or writing the whole three weeks I was away — until I got on the plane to come home.

I was reading a book about how the brain functions, and suddenly a bunch of information I’ve been accumulating fell into place. I understood that there is actually a reason that I don’t mix grandma and family responsibilities with my professional life. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I really can’t.

All of these years I’ve been beating myself or — at least lately — gently remonstrating myself to get busy have been a waste of time. My brain — and yours — simply is not wired to manage two conflicting channels of information at the same time.

The book showed me that the brain focuses attention most like a toggle switch that changes trains to different tracks — you can go one way or the other but not both ways at the same time. This also explains why multitasking is vastly overrated. It is simply about how quickly we can switch back and forth.

Here I’ve been kicking myself because I get so fully immersed in the full-time grandma role that I can’t even think about the other professional role. I sort of know that it’s in there, but I just can’t get into it. The controls are locked. They’re locked for a good reason.

If they were unlocked I would do a rotten job each time I switched back and forth. It takes a while for me to get firmly back onto either track. That may differ for different people, but that’s the way it is for me. What about you? Can you switch tracks easily?

Just imagine me trying to write a letter like this while keeping my two preschool grandsons from destroying part of the house in their enthusiasm to learn more about it. I know some moms try to do creative work when their children are present, but most I’ve talked to just can’t do it.

So why am I telling you this? There are at least three reasons.

The first is that I love to share what I’ve discovered — sort of like the way my 2 1/2-year-old grandson screams with delight when he sees a picture of himself or of his family members. So if you can benefit from my insights and use them to make your own or someone else’s life better, please do so.

The second reason is that my whole career is about helping people, my beloved clients, have “aha” moments like this. It’s a really positive spiral. I love to do it. Their lives improve. I get a hit because sharing those moments is a rare and wonderful experience.

The third reason is that I need your help.

One of the things that happened while I spent 6 months focused on helping my daughter’s family move to France is that I let my practice diminish. Now I have only a few clients left.

After 35 years of practicing psychotherapy and coaching, I thought that would be all right with me, but it’s not.

My work has always been hard to distinguish from my play. I miss direct client work much more than I thought I would. I want to keep helping people directly as well as through my writing. I don’t really like moving toward retirement.

But the problem is, I’ve been sending out the opposite message. So right now I want you to know that I have changed my tune. I do want more referrals–NOW.

I HAVE SPACE TO WORK WITH FIVE MORE CLIENTS OR COUPLES who want to experience those fantastic moments of clarity and self-acceptance. I love helping couples reclaim deeply troubled relationships.

When I coach you, I’m interested in who you are at your core. I love to help you connect with yourself and others. Helping you live fully and joyfully with other people excites me. My work, through personal contact or through my writing, is about helping you enhance your own life and the lives of the people you’re close to.

Please help me spread the word. I connect with my clients in person, by phone and by Skype. I even have one client in Romania. I use VOIP and the web cam with my family, a new thing, since they are so far away. I haven’t used it for coaching yet, but I will. (Am I technical or what?)

So if you know of anyone or if you yourself would like to talk with me, now is a really good time to get started. Contact me by email or phone (303-794-5379) and we can discuss how we can work together.

Warmly, Laurie

P.S. I wrote most of this about 6 weeks ago — as I was trying to switch tracks from my voluntary family responsibilities back to my professional life. It took me a while to admit that I need help rebuilding my practice and to decide I trusted you enough to share that information with you and to ask for your help.

That’s also the explanation for why you didn’t get the link to the recording of the relationship interview we did a couple of weeks ago. So here it is now, with apologies for the delay: http://excellerated.com/audio

It’s called Rethinking Relationships and is on a page with loads of other interesting looking teleconferences. You are welcome to listen to any of them.

I’ve been distracted by supporting my family in reconnecting before, during and since my daughter moved to Paris with part of her family nearly 4 weeks ago. That involved as many as 9 extra people sleeping at our home on at least 2 different nights.

I expect to stay distracted for a while longer. Next week we will take our two oldest grandsons (ages 7 and 10) to Paris to join the rest of
their family.

I don’t expect to see much of Paris right away because their furniture just arrived a couple of days ago and the 2 1/2 and 4-year-old boys will have kept her too busy to get everything done. We’ll be helping her get organized.

(By the way, Rachel is doing a blog about her adventures. You can see it at http://momzen.blogspot.com/ )

Next we are going to Dublin for a week’s pure vacation before returning for a more relaxed few days in Paris. This really is just fine. We have been to Paris several times and love it and we have never been to Dublin.

Meanwhile, in the midst of this chaos (that I volunteered for and enjoyed) I have been invited to write for two different very busy websites. I am thrilled with the opportunity to reach more people and I have told both groups that I can start in Septermber.

In fact, I feel like I am starting a whole new life in September!

I hope you are having a wonderful summer. I promise I’ll be back…after I’m through indulging in all of my wonderful distractions.

Warmly,

Laurie

P.S. Remember, you can download an MP3 of Rethinking Relationships at http://excellerated.com/audio

[tags]Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement[/tags]

Dr. Joe Rubino, an internationally acclaimed expert on the topic of self-esteem has written an article entitled “The Impact of Lacking Self-Esteem on Business Professionals.”

Check it out along with his offer of $129 in complimentary gifts just for taking a look. http://www.cprsuccess.com/selfesteembusiness.

You’ll also receive more than $10,000 in free bonus gifts with any purchase at http://www.SelfEsteemSystem.com.

Communicate skillfully about sensitive subjects in business situations. Have the challenging conversations that lead to cooperation and success. Http://www.DareToSayIt.com/blog
[tags]Self Help, Self-Improvement, Workplace Relationships, Personal Growth, Self Esteem[/tags]

If you fit into either group you probably feel hurt, because you feel someone who is important to you does not understand you.

When I was coaching Kim (not her real name), she felt so angry about her relationship with her business partner that she was ready to abandon the business they had spent several years building.

Kim had reached the conclusion that her partner was deliberately leaving the most difficult tasks for Kim to do alone, even though their agreement was to share those activities. When Kim repeatedly tried to discuss the problem, her partner changed the subject.

I asked Kim to tell me what she thought her partner’s point of view might be. “She wants to do things her own way,” was Kim’s first answer. Then I asked Kim to think of three other possible reasons for her partner’s behavior.

The first was “She is focusing so hard on her part of the business that she is afraid to tell me she needs to renegotiate our roles.” The second was “Maybe she doesn’t really understand what I am upset about.” The third was “Maybe she is angry with me, because I’ve been too busy to spend as much time with her as I used to.” These all seemed plausible explanations for the problem.

Kim decided to ask her partner whether any of the three new explanations were accurate — without accusing her partner of doing anything wrong. They successfully renegotiated their roles and continued to work together.

If you are avoiding an important discussion, because you are convinced that the other person won’t hear you, try imagining possible reasons for the other person’s behavior. Then have the discussion.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

[tags]Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Workplace Relationships[/tags]

Years ago I was asked to chair an ethics hearing board for my professional organization. I debated about accepting. I knew the job was very important and very challenging, and that I wasn‘t certain I could do it well. I also knew it would take a lot of time and energy.

I was working on my doctorate and my parents were ill. I agreed to serve on the board, but not as chairperson. Another time I was again asked to chair another ethics hearing, and this time I accepted the challenge. My circumstances had changed.

It‘s easy to agree to do something important, just because someone asks you to do it. It‘s also easy to automatically refuse to try a challenging project because you are unsure about your ability to do it perfectly. What do you need to consider before you give your answer?

First answer the practical questions. Do you have the time, knowledge, resources and support you need? Then go to your intuition. Am I attracted to this job or repelled by it? Am I excited, scared or resigned?

Imagine how you will feel when you have accomplished the project. Will you be exhausted, elated, proud, resentful or sorry? Imagine how you will feel if you refuse to undertake the project? Will you be relieved, ashamed or indifferent? Imagine telling someone who cares about you that you have taken on or turned down the project.

Think about your answers to these questions when you decide whether it makes sense for you to agree to accept the task and the responsibility.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

[tags]Workplace Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement, Personal Growth[/tags]

Robert whistled happily as he headed back to the assembly line from the company cafeteria . Sticking strictly to his diet for the ninth day in a row, he had eaten only a salad for lunch. He was proud of keeping his resolution so well.

Then disaster struck. One of the machines malfunctioned while he was on break, and his supervisor unfairly criticized him in front of his co-workers.

By 5:00 p.m. he was still seething with anger and had only half an hour to get across town to an important meeting. Unable to face the long wait for his Spartan dinner, Robert loaded up on candy bars at the vending machine and ate them while he roared down the highway.

How many times have you, like Robert, made resolutions with the best of intentions, only to break them again and again: Keep in mind that there are different kinds of resolutions. One is a promise to be good; another is a decision to make changes in your life.

The easiest way to keep from repeating your old cycle is not to make “New Year’s resolutions” that are promises.

Resolutions made only to placate your parent self don’t work. If your child self doesn’t like the resolution, you are likely to act as you did when you were actually a child. When you were little, you probably followed a rule you didn’t like only as long as a grown﷓up was around to keep an eye on you.

Now you are an adult, a desire to make life satisfying will motivate your changes. If changes don’t feel good, you don’t really want to make them.

Before making resolutions, try contracting with yourself to make the change. For example, state what you want to change in a positive framework. Robert could have said, “I will create healthy new eating habits and gradually achieve my ideal weight.,” instead of “I want to lose 10 pounds.” If he didn’t like the change he was proposing, he could have abandoned the project before he started.

Robert might also have asked himself how the proposed change would satisfy his parent self, adult self and child self. Perhaps his child self needed the promise of a movie or an extra tennis game a week to feel satisfied.

He could have also helped himself keep his resolution by asking what he might do to stop himself from meeting his goal. Robert knew the candy in the vending machine was a temptation. It would help if he carried high-protein, low-calorie snacks, especially on the days he has a meeting after work.

Take a look at the plans you make to change and see how they fit the needs of your inner selves.

[tags]self help, self-improvement, personal growth, emotional problems, workplace [/tags]

You may put off doing things until the last minute and then your parent self may kick your child self for the dreadful crime of procrastination.

What would happen if some extremely successful, highly publicized business figure produced brilliant results by doing everything at the last minute (and maybe they do!) And more importantly, if productivity-conscious parents and “significant others” no longer touted to us the virtues of getting things done early.

Would procrastination’s bad reputation disappear? Would we quit feeling bad about getting things done “at the last minute”?

Procrastination will probably never disappear, but seeing its internal workings can open up the possibility of procrastinating creatively, enjoying it and producing excellent results.

If you are a person who puts tasks off, you may want to listen to your own internal dialogue from the first “rescheduling” through to completion of the task.

The conversation always involves a parent self telling the child self to do something and the child self not wanting to do it. The child self goes to great pains and much worry to calculate how long he or she can delay until s/he actually has to do the task in order to avoid some consequences or to get something s/he wants.

In this form of procrastination, the problem is not to get the task done; it does get done and usually gets done on time! (how often we forget that part!) Instead, the problem is the discomfort you feel until the task is finally carried out.

The solution is to learn your own rhythms of working and to be comfortable with them, instead of worrying about adapting or not adapting to somebody else’s definition of the right way to get a task completed. Parental messages often keep us from examining our own patterns of working effectively. See which ones you recognize:

• Keep busy,
• Work hard,
• You can’t play until the work is done,
• You have to suffer to make something good,
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

With all of this internal dialogue and possibly even physical discomfort going on, is it any wonder we have not really examined how we are most effective and productive?

Some people do their best work when they are close to the deadline. They clear their schedules and then put their entire concentration on one thing until they are done. Others need to spread out a task to keep “fresh” or meet other commitments.

Check into your own patterns by asking “When and how do I usually get my best work done?” Whatever you are doing now may already be the most effective way for you to work, even though your inner parent does not approve of it. If you are not sure of your best pattern, do some experimentation. Ask yourself:

• Is the task something I want to do?
• How do I want to do it?
• What will be the consequence if I do not do it?
• What will be the reward if I do do it?
• What is the most effective way for me to do this task?
• What is the latest possible, realistic time for me
  to start this task and still accomplish it to my satisfaction?
• What am I going to do with the time I would ordinarily
  spend in the internal parent-child argument about the task?

You may just find that you are doing something enjoyable during that time when you would have historically been worrying and feeling bad. Remember, the suffering is optional!

[tags]emotional problems, personal growth, self help, self-improvement, workplace[/tags]

Marcella grew up in a family where she learned to believe that she had the power to make another person feel good or feel bad. Her parents frequently told her, “You hurt my feelings, you make me so mad, you’re driving me crazy.” She learned to be especially careful about everything she thought or said in order to avoid “causing” others to feel bad. This common but false belief was paralyzing her.

Although we each have instant feeling responses to what others say or do, we can learn to choose whether to dwell on or let go of those feelings. We can think about our first response and modify it. We may choose to feel hurt by the words and actions of others or to respond in another way. Others may create the situations that we react to but we each ultimately create our own responses.

Reminding herself that she had learned how to change her feelings by changing her physiological state, Marcella began to breathe deeply. After she calmed herself, she called a friend from a communications class.

Together they decided she could approach her co-worker as if he too were a responsible person and in charge of his own feelings. She also decided to be sure to communicate carefully about her own feelings and avoid provocative, blaming statements such as “If it weren’t for what you did…”

She finally told her co-worker, “I like you a lot and I don’t want anything to get in the way of the good working relationship we have. I’d prefer that we see each other only during business hours.” To Marcella’s enormous relief, he responded by accepting the boundaries she set and they continued working together.

[tags]self-improvement, personal growth, self-help, emotional problems, relationship, sex, workplace relationships[/tags]