Here is a short piece about The Zen of Perfect that makes perfect sense to me when I am in the right frame of mind. When I am in the wrong frame of mind it reminds me that there is another way to look at the world. Enjoy!

http://www.bestofthomas.com/blog/zenofperfect/

Beautiful, Laurie!

Love ya!

Donna

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Dear Laurie -
This is SO excellent!  You are giving me tools for personal growth, but more ­ ways of unpacking important concepts for living and growing into healthy people/groups, in a cross-cultural way.  I am a believer in Jesus with a heart toward bringing understanding among peoples with various belief systems – so that the common aspects of life that we all share can be used to bring us to a place of honoring and understanding those that we may not share ­ insofar as they are not mutually destructive, of course.  Cannibals, for instance, have elements of their perspective that would not lend themselves to this process.  But among wide spectrums of economics, politics, language, and understandings or ways of relating with or explaining the supernatural, there are common themes and patterns of life which, when approached with open heart, can go a long way toward diffusing tensions and miscommunications that lead to ‘needless’ war etc.  I reflect often on the moment in history when Jimmy Carter, Menachim Begin, and Anwar Sedat sat down to ‘wage peace’ so that their grandchildren would not live in a world ripped by strife.  Also the idea that we study war so our children can study mathematics so their children can study music…. There is within that idea some wisdom, but I think we are coming to the point where we see that along with war, we have to study peace and learn to listen to hear – not to argue back.  This is where your contribution comes in, and it is significant.
So I thank you and promise to make good use of the skills you share.
Blessings,
Mary

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1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?

I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.

My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…

I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.

My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.

* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.

In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.

This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.

I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.

That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.

I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.

You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.

More about Laurie Weiss

Short version:

Here are some absolutely no-strings-attached gifts available for a very limited time! One of them is my ebook, “I Don’t Need Therapy, but Where Do I Turn for Answers?” that is currently offered at http://www.IdontNeedTherapy.com for $29.77. Do Not Order From That Page.

Go here instead: http://www.solo-e.com/PostHolidayHangoverRemedy

Long version:

Whether you admit it or not, the word resolution goes hand in hand with the start of a new year. Whether you make your resolutions in the form of business goals and priorities, or actual resolutions …. By mid to late January, you’re likely tired of forcing yourself to follow-through on what you set out just a few weeks ago.

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The gifts include ebooks, audios, home-study packages and more, on topics including: 101 Ways to Attract Clients, 7 Things You Must Do to Get More Clients, The Facebook Fan Page Intensive, The Online Video Playbook, 5 Psychological Triggers to Turn Prospects Into Clients, Abundance in Business, and The Finding Time Quick-Start Guide.

Solo-E has partnered with several key experts to offer these incredible resources for online based business owners. For 12 days only – January 25 to February 5, you can download all these gifts at absolutely no cost (and no strings). That’s right…you don’t even have to give up your email address!

An incredible group of Experts are participating in the Post Resolution Hangover Giveaway, including:

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Take a few minutes to see what all the fuss is about, and cure your Resolution Hangover! You’ll get access to fantastic resources that you can download and review at your convenience. Visit http://www.solo-e.com/PostHolidayHangoverRemedy

Remember this offer is only good for until February 5. Check out all the goodies now.

My daughter sent a note saying if I was going to talk about getting organized I should tell you about NAPO, The National Association of Professional Organizers. There is an organizer search function to find help with your organizing needs. 

Enjoy!

Dr. Joe Rubino is one of the world’s foremost experts on the topic of Self-Esteem and best-selling author of The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life. He
has put together an awesome list of free bonuses to reward those who purchase his life-changing Self-Esteem ystem.  

He’s also offering you a free insightful audio called 7 Steps to Soaring Self-Esteem and a complimentary 1-year membership in The Success Achievers’ Club ($129 value) just for checking it out. See http://cli.gs/V8WdP2.  

Learn how you can help raise the consciousness of the planet by elevating your own self-esteem or the self-esteem level of those you love. Pick up your Audio and Club Membership for free at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2. 

Let me tell you a little about this life-enhancing Self-Esteem System. It’s being called the most comprehensive guide to simply and almost effortlessly raise anyone’s level of self-esteem. I’m confident that you will find this 3 part program to benefit everyone — from those with deficiencies in particular areas to those with more pervasive self-esteem challenges. 

The Self-Esteem System will support you to: 

1. Heal and Complete Your Past; 
2. Properly Assess Your Present Situation to Determine What’s Working Optimally and What’s Missing in Each of the 6 Areas of Your Life; 
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To claim your free bonuses, check out Dr. Joe’s life-changing work now at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2. 

You’ll automatically receive an email with all the information needed to claim all your complimentary gifts. 

Remember… to receive your $10,000 + in free bonuses, you must order any package at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2 before this special offer expires. 

Remember The Self-Esteem System also makes a perfect gift!

“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.” 

This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life. 

She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself. 

In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action. 

My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.

These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.

Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing 

1. What do I think would be helpful?
2. What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
3. Do I have the resources to provide this help?
4. What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
5. How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
6. What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
7. Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
8. Has the other person asked for help?

   If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
   If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
   If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!

9. Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
10. Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
11. Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)

By the time we finished we had a car trunk full of items to deliver to a donation center, several huge boxes of papers to recycle, a pile of trash and many miscellaneous items related to the obsolete technology of developing film in a darkroom.

Some of the choices were easy to make. We asked questions like,

• Do you need this?  
• Will you miss it if you never see it again?  
• What on earth is this?  
• Can somebody else use this?” 

Other choices were more difficult.

Photography was a hobby shared by my husband and my dad, who bequeathed his (then ancient) darkroom equipment to us over 40 years ago. A few pieces have sentimental value. I remember using them while helping my father in his darkroom when I was a child. Yet they have no place in my life now. We haven’t decided how to dispose of those things yet.

A question we didn’t ask is why many of the things we saved for so many years were important in the first place. Why did we save them?

I think I saved most things because I expected to use them again. Then I didn’t, and it took more time to make decisions about disposing of them than it did to just let them accumulate. That’s my style. I’m not proud of it. I have a computer full of files that could be pruned — but they’re even less visible than what was in the storeroom. 

How about you? Would you feel better if you released some of the things you intended to use again? Or is it better to just keep moving forward and leave the clutter hidden away until you are moved to address it?

I don’t have an answer for you. What I suggest is to make a choice and relax. What we did do makes me feel lighter as we move into the busyness of the holiday season. And I’m not worrying at all about what I haven’t done yet. 

I wish you and the people you love a joyful and relaxed holiday season.

Also — If you are having trouble dealing with the holidays, watch for a blog post in a few days. My colleague, Dr. Joe Rubino,
created a free 45-minute audio recording called 7 Steps to Soaring Self-Esteem. You can claim it now at http://cli.gs/V8WdP2 if you like, or wait  for the post that explains it in more detail. 
It’ll be a great way for you to start the New Year.

My wonderful time walking with Jonathan in the warm sunshine (2 days before the snow) in Waterton Canyon last Sunday made the difference.

As we walked I found myself thinking I had not seen any Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep there for quite some time.  I dismissed the thought and
enjoyed the subtle fall colors. We found a picnic spot near the river.

Suddenly, six of those beautiful creatures passed within eight feet of us on their way to the river. A disgruntled fisherman tried to shoo them
downstream but instead the does and fawns splashed across the stream (scaring the fish, I guess) and then stopped to graze — completely unfazed by the people watching them from less than 20 feet away.

Delighted with our luck walking back down the canyon we spied a knot of fellow walkers staring across the river.  Someone whispered, “There are about 20 of them!”  Sure enough, the huge herd was just across the stream and scattered along the mountainside – this time accompanied by some really big rams.

As we watched, four of the does decided the grazing on our side of the shallow river was better and came splashing across, settling about
four feet away from us. We didn’t have a camera – but others were clicking like crazy.

We finally walked on, only to spot four other Rams silhouetted against the sky on the top of the canyon wall.  Awesome!  Thirty in one day!

What a blessing to add to the past few weeks of blessings.

Visiting our daughter’s family just outside of Paris was nearly perfect.  This time, we got to explore as well as visit and take care of the boys
while their parents enjoyed a much-needed weeklong vacation in London.

Three highlights:

* Walking the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral.

* Attending R’s 9th birthday party and watching the children literally zip through the trees on an amazing ropes course.

* Celebrating my 70th birthday with dinner at the Eiffel Tower!  Starting with champagne and ending with chocolate!  What could be better?

The pictures are here http://cli.gs/76Rume
I feel truly blessed!
Remember, you never know where your next blessing will come from!

Me: So you didn’t live up to your ideals.

Client: That’s right.

Me: Do you think most people live up to their ideals?

Client: I guess they don’t.

Me: Most of us develop our ideals long before we encounter reality.

Client: Hmmmmm

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