[These comments about What If You Stopped…? came in by email, so they can't show up in the Comments section]:
Beautiful, Laurie!
Love ya!
Donna
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Dear Laurie -
This is SO excellent! You are giving me tools for personal growth, but more ways of unpacking important concepts for living and growing into healthy people/groups, in a cross-cultural way. I am a believer in Jesus with a heart toward bringing understanding among peoples with various belief systems – so that the common aspects of life that we all share can be used to bring us to a place of honoring and understanding those that we may not share insofar as they are not mutually destructive, of course. Cannibals, for instance, have elements of their perspective that would not lend themselves to this process. But among wide spectrums of economics, politics, language, and understandings or ways of relating with or explaining the supernatural, there are common themes and patterns of life which, when approached with open heart, can go a long way toward diffusing tensions and miscommunications that lead to ‘needless’ war etc. I reflect often on the moment in history when Jimmy Carter, Menachim Begin, and Anwar Sedat sat down to ‘wage peace’ so that their grandchildren would not live in a world ripped by strife. Also the idea that we study war so our children can study mathematics so their children can study music…. There is within that idea some wisdom, but I think we are coming to the point where we see that along with war, we have to study peace and learn to listen to hear – not to argue back. This is where your contribution comes in, and it is significant.
So I thank you and promise to make good use of the skills you share.
Blessings,
Mary
More about Laurie Weiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement
My new resolution is to write something before I read my e-mail. I made this resolution during the recent CAM (Conversation Among Masters) Conference, when Brian Johnson challenged us with two questions:
1. What is one thing to start doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
2. What is one thing to stop doing, which would have the most positive influence on your life right now?
I invite you to answer those questions for yourself. When I answered them and started thinking about the implications of my answers I learned a lot about myself.
My answers were to stop reading my e-mail first thing in the morning and to start writing more frequently. So here goes…
I am now more aware of how I measure my contribution to the world beyond the mutual contribution I make in all my direct, personal relationships.
My contribution is the writing I do that helps others to change and grow without my direct presence. I measure contribution by the standard Eric Berne proposed 40 years ago: “is it good for the infant mortality rate?” To me that standard means is what I am doing ultimately contributing to a world in which more babies that are born alive stay alive.
* Educating and coaching people about how to have important conversations is key for me.
* I care that relationships work so that both children and adults get what they need from others.
* I believe in selfishness as described by Thomas Leonard in The Portable Coach. This means being aware of and communicating your own needs to others.
* I also believe that agreements people make with each other should be honored (or changed by mutual consent.)
* I want to help people operate with as much integrity as possible.
In order to do this I need to become more proficient with tools that will get my message out into the world. I’ll be contributing what I’m thinking about to two different blogs or perhaps three and my goal is to publish at least twice a week.
This is a creative production goal rather than an outcome goal. Outcome goals don’t work well for me. They don’t leave enough room to be surprised and I often surprise myself. It’s a goal of staying in a creative tension so that I stay productive. This is how I will stay in integrity with myself.
I need to stay in the creative tension instead of drifting off into “deserving retirement” or just grandmothering. I do enjoy my freedom to explore and travel and I adore my grandchildren. Both of those are fine in their place, but they are not enough for me. I need to stay creative and contributing in order to feel fully alive and happy.
That’s a lot of insight from answering two questions. I admit I was in a very stimulating environment where I was surrounded by other master coaches all challenging each other to live their dreams.
I hope you answer the questions for yourself, take time to think about the implications of your answers and share what you learn.
You can post your answers and comments here. If you prefer, send them directly to me and I’ll put them up on the blog for you.
More about Laurie Weiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Help, Self-Improvement
A client who frequently loses focus in her own life when she notices that someone else is in pain or difficulty asked me if I could help her get to the state described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in the following quote.
“A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir – a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed, that when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Therefore, we should not limit our expressions of love and compassion to our family and friends. Nor is the compassion only the responsibility of clergy, health care and social workers. It is the necessary business of every part of the human community.”
This client confuses the feeling of compassion with taking action that may or may not help the recipient, but is damaging to herself and her goals for her own life.
She often becomes a Rescuer instead of a helper who puts on her own oxygen mask before assisting others. When she Rescues from this caring but thoughtless position she eventually becomes a Victim who needs assistance herself.
In Transactional Analysis terms the kind of compassion described in the quote comes from an integrated Adult. An integrated Adult in a mature person attends to and considers (Inner) Parent rules, (Inner) Child needs and the constraints of reality before making decisions to take action.
My client often makes decisions from a Child ego state, eager to please someone, and/or a Parent ego state that discounts the needs of the Child ego state and who tells my client that the needs of others are important and her needs are not.
These guidelines can help anyone in this position, who feels compassionate and wants to help others to be genuinely helpful instead of risking martyrdom.
Guidelines for Helping Without Rescuing
- What do I think would be helpful?
- What evidence am I using to decide that help is needed?
- Do I have the resources to provide this help?
- What will helping cost me? (Time, energy, money, etc.)
- How will helping benefit me? (I’ll have more fun, feel less tense, feel like a good person, be more comfortable asking for things for myself later, etc.)
- What is likely to happen if I don’t help?
- Given these predicted costs and benefits, do I really want to help?
- Has the other person asked for help?
If the answer is yes and you want to help, clarify what you can do and go ahead and do it.
If the answer is yes and if you don’t want to help, decline and suggest an alternative.
If the answer is no and you still want to help, don’t just go ahead. Instead offer some specific help. Wait for the other person’s agreement. If you don’t get agreement, don’t help!
- Check to see if your help is actually helping. (Ask questions, observe)
- Give only as much help as needed. Giving more than is needed often leads to resentment for the helper and low self-esteem for the recipient.
- Accept the positive strokes youget for helping. (Say thank you.)
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Coaching, Communication, Difficult Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Transactional Analysis
Do you ever feel like you’re on the verge of something new and not quite sure what it is or what to do with it?
About 14 years ago we received a website as a gift from our son who had just become a webmaster — a profession I had learned about only weeks earlier. We asked what we would do with it and he told us we would figure it out.
Of course we did figure it out, and the Empowerment Systems website is still growing strong. Not only that it seems to keep multiplying and now has several siblings. If you want to know what I’m talking about just visit http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com and explore.
But that’s not exactly what I wanted to share with you today.
When we attended the annual USATAA gathering in Jamaica a few weeks ago, I found myself in a strange time warp. I was revisiting my past and urging my friends and colleagues to move into the future.
Revisiting the past because my dear friend and first Transactional Analysis trainer, Fanita English, was part of the group. I bonded with her nearly 40 years ago when I did a really important piece of personal work as a part of my training. It literally changed my life in a wonderful way. We’ve had many different kinds of experiences together since then and finally this time we both came to understand how multidimensional our long-term friendship really is.
What an incredible treat for me!
The part about the future came in a discussion of how to revitalize the teaching of Transactional Analysis (TA) throughout the USA. The TA tools I first learned 40 years ago about how to understand, predict and change human behavior are still the basic tools I use to help my clients reach their goals.
While many parts of TA are part of the culture now like "different strokes for different folks" and "quit playing games with me", most people still don’t understand the depth and richness and utility of these tools.
I’m not currently doing any TA teaching but I’ve put links to available training programs here so you can get to them easily. My friend Felipe Garcia is teaching a two day course in San Antonio soon, and there’s an ongoing training program in Fort Worth, Texas.
Once again I got off track — there’s so much to say — the week was very rich. I’ll put up pictures soon on my Facebook page as well as on my blog. I’ll explain why in a minute.
The Jamaica Gathering uses an Open Space format. It’s not like a conference where I need to design and submit what I’m going to say months in advance. It’s a place to share creative ideas and collaborate in their development — another treat for me.
And this time I completely surprised myself. I found myself offering a program on spreading TA information through social networking. Now social networking (Think MySpace) is something as strange and new to me as a website was 14 years ago. I don’t know a lot about it and I keep wondering what I’m doing there, but I know it’s as important as my son knew the original website would be.
I’ll need to share more details about this in the article I promised to write for the USATAA newsletter and website. However, I have dipped my toes into the water. I’m active on three different networks where I am constantly discovering old and new friends in learning about new aspects of the world. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing or where I’m going but the possibilities seem endless.
If you are there too, join me. In the common language of social networking "be my friend." It’s fun, easy, potentially creative and it’s quite amazing. I’m on Facebook (my space for grown-ups), LinkedIn (a business networking site), and Twitter (share only 140 characters at one time). It’s all about quickly and frequently updating information.
Here are the addresses: Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
To join just go to the websites and follow the simple instructions. Come on in — the water’s fine. Anyone can play — it’s easy. I admit I was scared at first — you may be, too — but it’s actually fun and only takes a few minutes.
BTW, The Masters Gathering is still offering lots of fabulous free information. Here is a link to an hour long podcast with the leading recognized raw foodist and super nutritionist David Wolfe, and Dr. Alex Loyd of the "Healing Codes." http://www.themastersgathering.com/LoydWolfe/?10728 Just click the link and listen to it right on your computer. ALSO: Did you know that if someone steals the Exit sign on their way off your plane it can delay your departure for 5 hours?
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Self-Improvement, Transactional Analysis
Mark your calendar now. I will be interviewed about relationships on Barbara Dixon’s Blog Talk
Radio Spirit Speaks Show at 10 am ET, Monday, March 16th.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Spirit-Speaks
It’s an hour show where you can call in and ask questions. The call in number is (646) 727-3956.
I posted my pictures from Jamaica on Facebook. Here is the link:
http://tinyurl.com/bjssgc
You can go there even if you are not a Facebook member. Enjoy!
Warmly,
Laurie
PS I’ll send out another reminder of the show on the weekend.
PPS Follow me on:
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/aczezk
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/laurieweiss
Twitter: http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
Sitting on my patio among the fallen leaves on a peaceful sunny November afternoon, I’m reviewing my writings from the summer and early fall. Do I dare share them and allow my most personal thoughts out into the world? I think I will — in the service of becoming as authentic as I possibly can be.
I’m happy here, learning by remembering. I move so quickly through the world that what matters most slips away.
I’m talking about relationships tomorrow. When I talk about anything, it’s my presence that counts. It’s not so much about the information, but about my ability to help others feel that they’re seen, heard and accepted — essentially to create a relationship with them.
And that, after all is the essence of a good relationship — the mutual experience of being seen, heard and accepted by another.
Whether it’s a parent and a child.
Whether it’s a husband or wife.
Whether it’s a business associate — a grandchild — a sister or brother or an old friend.
Do you see me — know me? How do you let me know that I am being known?
Do you hear me — what I’m not saying as well as what I am saying — what I really mean?
Do you accept me as OK just as I am? Or judge that I need to change before I can become acceptable?
Is it me or my behavior or my reflected glory that counts with you?
Even when I see you and hear you and accept you, you sometimes don’t get it and protect yourself (from what?) by rejecting me.
And sometimes, even when I desperately need your acceptance, I can’t get through to you to let you know. I can’t pierce my own barriers let alone yours — so I stay lonesome.
Relationship is a dance. We must do it with each other.
Come… dance with me.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Communication, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement
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